Flatmate wanted

This is, if legend suggests, that time of the year when I begin my hunt for flatmates. When I say ‘hunt’, I mean more like valiant search for that particular variant of mango which looks like a ball and has really thin skin and a really small gotti (seed).

Before I digress any further, (by the way, there have been times when I have misread digress as tigress), I am looking for somebody, anybody who would be willing to occupy the spare bedroom in my flat.

The following is the criteria which potential flatmates need to satisfy:

      Split the rent, (12,650/-), electricity bill (usually ranges from 600 – 900/-), internet bill (16mpbs for 80GB @ 1900/pm), newspaper (150/-), cable (300/-) plus other general miscellaneous expenses.

o   In return for his/her own room, bathroom with a heater, washing machine, microwave, fridge, fully functional kitchen, television and mattress as bed.

o   Right to boast the most fancy address in Bangalore, “Heart of the city” or Indira Nagar 80ft road as the auto fellows like to call it.

o   No need for advance/deposit. Have already paid it.

      Should possess basic cooking skills. (Make scrambled eggs, toast, rice that sort of shit)

o   Should NOT be averse to heating food in the microwave and eating it.

o   Should NOT be finicky about food.

o   Preferably a non-vegetarian.

      Preferably likes to get drunk on weekend. And shouldn’t mind me smoking cigarettes.

o   (Even if one is teetotaller, one shouldn’t scorn or judge me for my drinking habits)

o   I don’t smoke up or inject or snort shit up. But if you do, then you have a balcony of your own where you can do so.

o   If you don’t smoke and don’t like cigarettes then, my smoking shall be limited to my room and my balcony.

      Should be open to play game of dumb charades in the morning till I have finished drinking my cup of morning coffee.

o   Dumb charades is played with hands and loud grunts.

o   Avoid direct eye contact in the morning.

      Should help on alternate weekends to clean the apartment.

o   Laundry is done during the weekends. Schedule needs to be discussed before doing a load.

      Should be open to take turns to go out and do grocery shopping.

      Should be able to talk random nonsense and humour the nonsense I spout from time to time.

      Should NOT be a racist, religious book thumping bigot, homophobe, and other shit I don’t like.

      Should understand that I don’t like being touched. Especially when I am sober.

      The flatmate is entitled to his own room.

o   This room houses the wardrobe and an attached bathroom which has the washing machine.

      I am largely considered to be ‘weird’ in my habits and not really known for my personal hygiene.

o   None of this affects YOU, the flatmate.

o   Unless of course I feel so comfortable with you that I chase you around the flat asking you to smell my armpits.

      Occasionally, my friends and my fiancé visit me. One should know how to entertain guests and should NOT be a stuck up creep.

o   The flatmate is entitled to entertain his/her/it’s guests.

o   Though the rule of the thumb is that whoever’s guest it is, one should vouch for them. (Vouch that they are not utter douchebags. I am one. And the flat can handle only so much douche baggery at any given time)

      Should have a healthy appetite for television, movies and music.

o   The more varied it is the better.

      Should have an open mind about general shit.

o   Should be prepared to answer random questions which maybe considered deeply personal in different cultures

§   Eg: “Have you ever tasted your own earwax?”, “Does your belly button and bum smell the same?”

I think this more or less sums it up. I am pretty sure that I am missing out on few other details, but once you come and check out the flat, put a face on each other, we can then negotiate on the before mentioned points.

If interested, please email me : don.osiris@gmail.com