Little Black Book

Everybody who has a father (who has been present thru their formative years), knows his importance in shaping his/her perspective on everything. Well i wouldn know what it is to have a father who tells you what is right or wrong. Well i do have a father but i guess somethings look and sound good better on paper than in reality, more like our cricket team. My first recollections of me and my father were those rides on his lamby scooter which is more or less now a caricature of its past glory days. But those are like the silver linings in the dark clouds which come with the storm and shatters every window in its wake cause of its intensity. Well the storm did arrive, and boy was it violent. Its funny to think how people can be stupid enough to associate certain happenings with certain people, and my dad did jus that, he associated his not gettin into the IIMs back then was because of me, and soon this feeling was replaced by physical beatings. And he put me through such physical excersis...

Well the picture says it all doesn it. My love affair with the cancer stick started in december 01, and it has continued till now, and i loved every single moment i spent with it. It had everything i can ever expect of a girl. From the strong fragrance, which mentally stimulated my senses, eased my thoughts when i went in my trademark brain fucking sessions, even though I knew it is gonna fuck me up like any other girl later on, I was jus in too much in love with it. It was what certain people like to refer as addiction and what i would love to term it as obsession. I started not because of peer preasure or any other whole load of crap people generally talk about. It was the chemistry few people experience in their lifetime with somebody else. Its touch, the feel, the kiss.... everything about it was soooo perfect. I never had to bother about not paying too much attention, or be dejected that it wasn't there when i need it the most cause it is just too busy to find time for me. F...

on a cobweb afternoon in a room full of emptiness by a freeway i confess i was lost in the pages of a book full of death reading how we'll die alone and if we're good we'll lay to rest anywhere we want to go in your house i long to be room by room patiently i'll wait for you there like a stone i'll wait for you there alone on my deathbed i will pray to the gods and the angels like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven to a place i call i was there so long ago the sky was bruised the wine was bled and there you led me on in your house i long to be room by room patiently i'll wait for you there like a stone i'll wait for you there alone and on i read until the day was gone and i sat in regret of all the things i've done for all that i've blessed and all that i've wronged in dreams until my death i will wander on These words seem to reverbrate through me whenever i find myself staring at the pitch black darkness which keeps screamin...

There are a lot of things people think define, it ranges from the latest handset they carry around, or the amount of horse power one has under the hood, or the explosion of pink for some ladies or anything chocolatey in that manner, seems to define them. Well you can extrapolate these to further areas, like the kind of movies or tv sitcoms they watch or the songs they listen to. But for everybody there is some quirky materialistic material which will conjured in front of their family members or friends flashes the image of the person who is associated with these things. And am not exception to this rule either. So here are they ladies and gentlemen, the list of things that is so totally me. Which my friends and all others who have had the misfortune of casting their glances on my way repeatedly have come to associate these things with me. Without much further ado, here are they. 1. Converse shoes : Yup! these very same pair of shoes, i have been seeing them in my dreams since i was in...

Delhi! O sweet Delhi! This is the only place which I somehow feel associated with. For every person, there is always one place they feel they belong to, it may be the place they were born and bought up, or spent most of their formative years. Or it can be places where its love from the first feel of the place. Honestly, I don believe in love at first sight crap. But with delhi it was different. What makes delhi different from all the places dad was posted in. Well for starters we did not stay at a villa, surrounded by hazar lichi trees with my own tree house ( yes I had one of those hideouts, made for me in jorhat where I used to play tarzan-tarzan or commando-commando ). True I did not have all the luxuries of staying in an army cantt. But what i truly cherished in Delhi was the stabilty in life, Delhi is the only place where dad got posted and I did not change schools after ever 2 years. There was a sense of grounding I needed and I cherished it while it lasted. I remember the days s...

Yes, I suffer from it. And in case you are wondering what's it all about, lemme brief you with it. Diagnosis: A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent. Symptoms: Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent s...

Hours before ( 16 hours to be precise ) me had my last smoke. And yes i had written about this earlier but the last time around I succumbed to the whole i need nicotine now phase pretty quick. And i have to tell you that i have a new found respect to those who have been moderate to heavy smokers and have quit. They probably went through the same things whcih am going through now. I decided that am going to document each day and charter my progress. At the moment, my head is splitting, and my eyes are watering due to some irritation. My mouth is feeling damn dry even though I have been drinking water and right now sucking on a candy. There is this huge urge for me to go and buy myself a pack of cigarettes and smoke them out till am feeling alright. But me won't do. Anyway am not stepping out of the office anywhere. Me gonna be sitting in my cabin all day long. Though I really don't know as to why i want to quit smoking this time. Considering the fact that am feeling shitty as sh...

Well, day 2. And honestly i feel miserable. I don like the fact that it is making feel like a woman pms'in. I mean sure it is nothing compared to the pain, but everything else is the same. Nish would know all about being the prime witness to all the mood swings. In the last 24 hours here is how I have worsened. 1. My mouth still feels dry. Even after drinking truckloads of water. Keeping candy or chewing gum. 2. My head still continues to hurt. Me think its begining to rattle now. Not a good sign I should say. 3. I crib and whine like a pussy. And I don't even realise that am doing all this till i saw my roomies expression 4. Normally am a hugger and a arm over the shoulder person but from yesterday, the slightest physical contact irritates me. 5. Did I mention my head hurts? 6. I start to think about things which make me laugh and the very next moment they start to mind fuck me. 7. Hate getting out of bed, feel awfully tired. Now I know how women feel when they having that tim...

Say or want to quit smoking. I mean sure I had fought the battle against my best friend. But in the end you really cant stay away from friends now can you. And i realised the hard and embarrassig way as to how much I need my friend. Cigarettes. Anyway so there I was Gtalkin with people and orkutting as always in office. And i donno wat happened next. It was well over 48 hours since I last smokes a cigarette, and like i mentioned my head was splitting bad. Anyway Me was supposed to meet up with my friends. And they been calling me up. Like 10-15 times and i did not know about it. WHY??? Cos i had fucking passed out. Beat that. 48 hours and I pass out. Me know that me addicted to it. So anyway me was woken up by my juniors in office by generous sprinkling of water on my face. And no I did not pass out cos I did not eat properly. I ate in the morning. Me thinks this must have something like women's period, you know where they pass outta pain. And me told you the pain of quittin smokin...

No seriously. The present awesomely sick physical state am in is what I call as Cigarette Aids. Now the reasons one contracts this is very similar to AIDS itself. But the symptoms are totally different. Symptoms: 1. Your throat feels like there is sand poured down it. 2. Your head feels like it contains water and your brain is a pebble which is moving a lot forcing you to hold your head with BOTH your hands. Just to make sure that the pebble doesn't roll away somewhere. 3. When you cough it faintly resembles a clogged toilet trying to clear itself. 4. You are basically feeling miserable all the time. And think why O why did you have to cheat. 5. You feel basically fucked. The wrong way. Causes: Now the Ciggie Aids may come due a # of reasons. But like Aids the prime reason is infidelity to your brand of smokes. There is only so much of fucking around you can be doing with the other brands before life catches up with you. But the best part about is that when you get Ciggie Aids. And...

All those who have been in touch with me for the past couple of weeks would have known that I was undergoing a major Identity crisis. Now major is most definitely an understatement. Most definitely. And then reality hit me. And trust me when reality bites you (me) on your (my) well formed arse, it leaves an ugly mark which you soon begin to appreciate. So yes, reality bit me and bit me hard. I think everybody goes through this phase where they question everything. And I was questioning who I was? Wat I wanted from life? And why exactly do I find myself devoid of couple of ears. And more importantly why wasn't I enjoying my work ( which am pretty sure anybody will give their right arms and fav undies for...). So me pestered couple of people who me think know me pretty well. Well turns out they don't know themselves quite well for them to tell me stuff about me, cant blame them now. Anyway. The most realistic and most depressing part of this bite was the fact that I wasn't pa...