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Hotel California

It's hot. The walk around the garden hasn't helped me one bit. Maybe I should open that bottle of beer. Bah! It's 3 in the afternoon… Oh! Who is going to stop a 80 year old man from enjoying a sip of bitter? That's right… No one! I am the king of the world… hehehehe…


 

Would have been nice if Jasmine was still alive… Ah! Think about the whore and the breeze blows… Will probably get the carpenter take a look at this creaking sound coming from this rocking chair. Hehehehe… would be funny if it broke and I fell on my buttocks…


 

"Allo love…" that girl does have a nice smile. I hope she doesn't think I am sort of a pervert… Oh! Who am I kidding? I am a pervert… Pity women my age don't want to do anymore. Wonder what Marie is doing right now… screw that bitch! She left you at the altar… Hope she is dead and had a horrible marriage and her husband what's – his – name treated her like shit… She was a nice girl… Hope she didn't regret the choices she made… she never was a bright girl… she would have put up with that bastard just like she put up with me… Wonder what happened to… Fuck! It's raining… for once couldn't the breeze carry on but no! It has to fucking rain…


 

The house is so dark and silent… I miss Jasmine… She would have made me stub this cigarette… Good thing she left me for that poof Victor… Bastard! At least one thing I am proud of is that I never stole somebody's girl… Did I? Oh yeah! Yvonne… Wonder what happened to her…


 

"Shit shit shit! Nurse! Nurse! I seem to have shat myself again…" Fuck! Hate when this happens… I am not leaving a single penny for those bastards… Definitely not leaving them anything not after they fucking called the cops on me… They couldn't do shit could they? Nobody could have done anything to me… Not when I pleaded mentally insane… They all had to die… Jasmine had to die… So did Yvonne… And so did Marie… They all had to die… That's what they wanted… that's what they deserved… They couldn't just leave me and go… They promised to be with me forever and ever… And that's what they will do… That's what they will do… "NURSE!!!" she said she will never leave my side…

Comments

Pallav said…
Don't you hate it when people don't comment? I hate it, so I comment.

I like the stream of consciousness in this piece. It's like mindbullets from the old man...and a colorful old man at that :D

N
26/04/2010, 23:24
SHeila said…
I want a happy post from you. You're starting to sound a little like Kangana Ranaut.
27/04/2010, 19:23
Dr. Gonzo said…
An old man would never consider falling on his buttocks a funny thing. Or any falling. Your old man is not fond of pain.
27/04/2010, 22:59
Dr. Gonzo said…
A little gyaan.

What is your motive of the story? What do you want to leave the reader with? A feeling that
1.A whimsical and cute old man who has done enough in life
2. Something much darker. Is he really insane?
Or likely, both of them.

At any point of time, there are three things in a story. The character, the location, and the circumstance. In a stream of consciousness narrative, what you are basically doing is not writing about any two of the three above. So the reader replaces thoughts about two with his own perceptions of the world. So when you directly immerse the reader into location and circumstance, it is he in the story, not the character that is talking about it. That is where you have a chance to twist the reader's gut by making your character very identifiable with them and yet very very different.

Or as with your story Adam, because of the stylization of the tone, you engross the reader so much into the character that he discovers the location as Adam, but is horrified as he takes in the circumstances as himself.

This story doesn't work because you give no time to any of the three.It sounds disjointed in characterization, location. Circumstance kind of hits very late into the story, and is not as much of a shake-you-up to have an impact.

#Rambling
27/04/2010, 23:18
Zennmaster said…
@Nothingman - Thanks dude... :)

@Sheila - Yes love... Too much of Woh Lamhe and gangster shite happening...

@Gonzo - Yeah dude, I know what you saying... the whole thing just kind of skims through...Doesn't allow the reader to soak in things... There are no hooks, as I like to call them, in the story... No strong emotions evoked and blah blah... No excuse for shite like this really... lets see when I feel like writing the next time it will be more fluid...
28/04/2010, 09:15
blank_confusion said…
I thought I'd commented already.. My memory's failing me..
anyway, this one was pretty good (not as good as adam though).
Although, for a moment it seemed like you'd placed yourself in an old man's shoes, and were tweeting about your thoughts..instead of his.. :P (does this make sense?)
But I did like the way the thoughts of the old man keep jumping around. Overall I like, but not love :)
02/05/2010, 15:13
Zennmaster said…
@Shreya - Yeah it was a bit like the old man tweeting. But it was shite because of the same reasons Dr. Gonzo wrote. :)
02/05/2010, 15:15
Anonymous said…
Reading stories no matter how good or bad, sometimes, I get a feeling that I can't write normally linked/ structured stories anymore.. Just draw, paint, sketch.. it's not fun when words don't FLOW like they used to ooze out from me back in the days.
Not really a comment on your post but just a feeling I get from reading stories..
Perhaps, I need to let my imagination free..
07/05/2010, 17:24
Zennmaster said…
@neo - Hehehehe... yes you need to... Imagination is lot like a boner caught in the confines of a really tight knicker. NOT the place where it needs to be... :P
08/05/2010, 12:51
Such! said…
Ok, 'happy' old man we have here!
:D
This is you 50 years from now isnt it? No, no, dont bother denying.
:|
Nice blog though.
22/06/2010, 21:25
Zennmaster said…
Yes! If I stay alive for 50 years then that would be me... B-)
22/06/2010, 21:27
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