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Will always remain a boy


There was a good reason why I never wanted to go back home, but I guess in the two years I did not call home or even entertain the thought of going home made me forget the reason. In all the days I spent at home, the same strange eerie feeling that a lot of shit has happened in this site haunted me, much like the same way you feel the chills when you enter a haunted place. Spooks the fuck out of you…

 
The domestic violence may have stopped for now, but the ego battles still take place and for the two years I was not a part of my family, I saved myself from being a war casualty. And I also being the fool that I am even went on a limb and hoped that things are finally turning over a new leaf. But for the last day, the taunts started again, the sarcasm inflicted pain one can never see the blood it bleeds. And to top it all, I found myself being transported to being a little boy all over again never quite understanding what the fight is all about.

 
All this was at one side, and the weight of a prophecy by a man I met once who said, "Son, you will be involved with a lot of women, but you will always be the one left hurt, never think about getting married, because you just won't be able to field the pain it throws on you…" And for a long time I have tried to prove that this prophecy to be nothing but a fallacy only to have my ass knocked to the ground with a mighty big slap across my face, the pain still searing across my flesh, I brush myself up and go at it again. And I have probably been repeating this pattern since 2001…

 
9 long years, and what I have learnt, that nothing has really changed, my dream world still doesn't exist, a world where the value of money is overshadowed by the love of two people, a world where love will find a way. It's all for the movies and books, reality is a different story all together I suppose, making me run towards these movies and books which are wrapped around these things. It's all a vicious cycle anyway…

 
9 long years, that's what it has taken me to realize that love don't mean 2 shits in this world, no matter how dearly I want to hold on it. 9 long years, it has taken me to realize that I will never wrap my head around the concept of people faking being in love. 9 long years, it has taken me to realize that I will always be a boy who still does not want to let go of this illusion called love. 9 long years, to realize that I will always believe in fairy tales and 9 long years to realize that they are just that, fairy tales, they never have existed other than people's imagination and in mine.

 
I am just in a very dark place right now. I think I am going to back to binge drinking and heavy chain smoking all over again. I know I am supposed to counter these emotions and thoughts at some point of time, and I will. But not right now. Just not yet…

 
Ps: I just don't want to turn into a cynical cold hearted bastard I had become to protect myself, but looks like that is the only way I can be to make sure that the glue I put on to my broken heart gets enough time to set and last me few more years.

 
Pps: Will probably begin talking to the outside world in another couple of hours, the booze shop is yet to open around here.

 

 

 

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