Skip to main content

Will always remain a boy


There was a good reason why I never wanted to go back home, but I guess in the two years I did not call home or even entertain the thought of going home made me forget the reason. In all the days I spent at home, the same strange eerie feeling that a lot of shit has happened in this site haunted me, much like the same way you feel the chills when you enter a haunted place. Spooks the fuck out of you…

 
The domestic violence may have stopped for now, but the ego battles still take place and for the two years I was not a part of my family, I saved myself from being a war casualty. And I also being the fool that I am even went on a limb and hoped that things are finally turning over a new leaf. But for the last day, the taunts started again, the sarcasm inflicted pain one can never see the blood it bleeds. And to top it all, I found myself being transported to being a little boy all over again never quite understanding what the fight is all about.

 
All this was at one side, and the weight of a prophecy by a man I met once who said, "Son, you will be involved with a lot of women, but you will always be the one left hurt, never think about getting married, because you just won't be able to field the pain it throws on you…" And for a long time I have tried to prove that this prophecy to be nothing but a fallacy only to have my ass knocked to the ground with a mighty big slap across my face, the pain still searing across my flesh, I brush myself up and go at it again. And I have probably been repeating this pattern since 2001…

 
9 long years, and what I have learnt, that nothing has really changed, my dream world still doesn't exist, a world where the value of money is overshadowed by the love of two people, a world where love will find a way. It's all for the movies and books, reality is a different story all together I suppose, making me run towards these movies and books which are wrapped around these things. It's all a vicious cycle anyway…

 
9 long years, that's what it has taken me to realize that love don't mean 2 shits in this world, no matter how dearly I want to hold on it. 9 long years, it has taken me to realize that I will never wrap my head around the concept of people faking being in love. 9 long years, it has taken me to realize that I will always be a boy who still does not want to let go of this illusion called love. 9 long years, to realize that I will always believe in fairy tales and 9 long years to realize that they are just that, fairy tales, they never have existed other than people's imagination and in mine.

 
I am just in a very dark place right now. I think I am going to back to binge drinking and heavy chain smoking all over again. I know I am supposed to counter these emotions and thoughts at some point of time, and I will. But not right now. Just not yet…

 
Ps: I just don't want to turn into a cynical cold hearted bastard I had become to protect myself, but looks like that is the only way I can be to make sure that the glue I put on to my broken heart gets enough time to set and last me few more years.

 
Pps: Will probably begin talking to the outside world in another couple of hours, the booze shop is yet to open around here.

 

 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Amul - A Short Story

Its morning again, I can hear the darned birds chirping outside, with my eyes still closed I can hear the ticking sound of the wall clock like the irritating sound of the water faucet dripping. The water faucet never drips in my house, because I don't like it dripping, like the way mom's head was dripping blood, and flooded the floor and spoiled the carpet. I like everything neat and clean. My name is Amul. I believe my father was especially fascinated by the utterly butterly delicious girl. Though I have a liking towards her myself I don't like to acknowledge that to anybody. Though not many people have actually found out about this connection. But am aware of this because my father during one of his happy drunken moods told me about this. And those are rare cases. I know for a fact that even if am genetically part of my father, I will never become like him. I study in the 7 th grade. And I like my school. My favorite subject is math. I don't understand why people...
4 comments
Read more

A moment to Remember – They don’t make movies like these since 2004.

Can you recall the last movie which made you drop your defenses and your cynical view of the world and relationships? Can you recall the last movie which made you yearn for something which you knew was all reel but you hoped that it was real? Can you recall the last movie which made you invest so much in the lead characters that you forgot where you were and cried your soul out? Can you remember the last movie which made you reminiscence of a time when you truly and really believed in fairy tales? I do, well some of them anyway, couple of movies do pop in mind which might answer most of the questions I ask, ‘Jerry Maguire’, ‘Love Story’, ‘The Notebook’ and ‘50 First Dates’. But if you look at the release dates of each of these movies, Jerry Maguire – 1996, Love Story – 1970, The Notebook – 2004, 50 First Dates – 2004, it has been more than a decade since I have seen these movies.  2004, apparently seems to be the year, fairy tales for the new century were written and tra...
2 comments
Read more

Happy reading... I suppose...

Hello! Been quite a while since I stared down at the blinking cursor. So here... Uploading ALL of the stories I started and left unfinished over the years (reckon some of this is from circa 2009). Not sure how long the download links will work for... So if you want to read something, reckon best to download them and then like most things in ones' refrigerator, junk them when mold begins to grow on it. NOTE: The work is not proof-read, so there will be errors, spelling mistakes, missing words among others. The Great Indian Mythology : Was supposed to be a re-telling of Mahabharat set in today's day and age in a tongue in cheek manner. But the more I read the actual original story, I realized I can't top the fuckedupness that already exists. But, I did enjoy writing few bits of it.  Will rate this 2/5. If you think what I have written is fucked up, wait till you read the actual story... Not the PG rated Amar Chitra Katha... Also points deducted because I didn'...
Post a Comment
Read more