The Bro Code

I am writing this for Charan and Gopal's reference, since they obviously are not fucking aware of these things and therefore tend to fucking break these codes more times than I fucking curse. So I am going to list some of the most important bro codes and also make a mention as to where these bastards have fucked it up. And why I am not going to be talking to fucking Charan and why Gopal is not a bro but a friend.

 

Article 1: Bro's before Ho's – Obviously the meaning of ho's is lost on these 2 fucks. It means women you morons.

Article 2: A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick. - Charan has done that and I thank him for that.

Article 13: All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman. - Charan was my wingman but there were more crash and burn stories with him than without him.

Article 14: If a chick inquires about another Bro's sexual history, a Bro shall honor the 'Brode of silence' and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than tell the truth. - Well all follow this one

Article 17: A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming – I don't suppose Gopal follows this one.

Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sisters hot!"


Article 21: A Bro never shares observations about another Bro's smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying "she's smoking-hot, huh?" a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he's the only one who should be baiting.

Article 22: There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

Article 23: When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs.

Article 28: A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight

Article 32: A Bro doesn't allow another Bro to get married until he's at least thirty

Article 35: A Bro never rents a chick flick

Article 36: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.

Article 40: Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."

Article 41: A Bro never cries (Exceptions- Watching Field of Dreams, ET or a sports legend right (only first time he retires))

Article 46: If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.

Article 47: A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe

Article 48: A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged.

Article 51: A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down

Article 53: Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice

Article 54: A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other official Bro hilidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th)

Article 56: A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

Article 61: If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.

Article 62: In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros. – Get that fuck's. You call dibs not go try and dip yours.

Article 63: A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection

Article 64: A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro's favorite Band/Movie/Team's match. – The reason why I am not going to be talking to Charan for a really long time to come.


Article 66: If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.

Article 68: If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. (Dry spell trumps hot streak)

Article 70: A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's trip or general well-being.

Article 75: A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick.

Article 76: If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic Barry white-esque tone

Article 78: A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman – Pay attention fuckers.

Article 81: A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros

Article 82: If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologize to make amends. That's inhuman. – Read this Charan. Bitch

Article 83: A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever " love" thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.

Article 84: Bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch Die Hard if it's on TV.

Article 85: If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.

Article 86: When a Bro meets a chick he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.

Article 88: If a Bro, for whatever reason must drive another Bro's car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.

Article 89: A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro

So, my dear fucking Charan, since you have broken more than fucking 3 codes of the Bro code, you are no longer part of Bro-dom. I banish you from thy state and wish upon that you never set foot again. I say this with a heavy heart and a booming voice. So unless and until you can get Metallica to come back with you when you are coming back in December I don't want to hear from you. And if you are unable to get them to come along with you. Then you shall vow never to speak of the un-bro-ly activity you indulged in and incited the wrath of Bro-god by waking him up from his morning slumber and delivering the news.