I have a new theory. A
new way to classify men or as the biologists call them Homo – Sapiens, (Not to
be confused with people who get teary eyed at the sight of a dinosaur and a
donkey kept apart by the abandoned or discarded gonads[1]
of Joseph Allo Allo Rats That is a Zinger Burger).
A theory so grand and
sweeping, that it is astonishing that so far it has not been dictated to morons
practicing their short hand in Braille on dried papyrus leaves or mass printed
by the Gutenberg. All that is set to change now, this theory is set to rewrite
the history of mankind and how we view ourselves. It should come as no surprise,
if you, in later years found this theory paraphrased by Hon Rubbard in his
manifesto causing vertically challenged people to jump up and down on your couch while taking a poo. But to keep this theory short, concise and more to the point, I will
largely limit my explanation to homo – sapiens.
There have been many
classifications before, and in all likelihood there will be plenty more to
follow this. But like I said, this is definitive in its application. With all
the fan fare I could conjure up at 0518hrs in the morning, I shall now go ahead
and enunciate the theory.
‘There are three
kinds of men, men who wear briefs, men who wear boxers and men who don’t wear any undergarments of any sort.’
Now, we shall examine
each of these three kinds of men in a sequestered[2]
manner. For this post, we shall restrict[3]
ourselves and talk about the first kind.
Type
V – Men who wear underwear
Men who wear
underwear, are much like cabbage farmers. You know they exist, you may have probably
even heard about them while you eavesdropped on your mother talking excitedly
with her friends on the phone or read them in the dirty magazines which your
mother treasured more than Embroidery
for beginners called Terrace
farming for Dummies.
If you were born in the 80s, you may have even
seen somebody wear underwear in person, somebody really close to you. Statistically
speaking, it would have been your father, but then again it could as well have
been the next door neighbor Mr. Mehra. But then again, statistics is a quack
science[4],
nine times out of eleven, it is proven to be coma inducing.
If
you were also born in the 80s, you may have experienced wearing one yourself whilst
sticking a stick of broom down your baniyan pretending to be He – Man. The
author does not remember wearing his underwear over his pants pretending to be
Superman because pants were meant for grownups and his wardrobe contained
mostly onesies and half pants.
The underwear
sporting man can be recognized by his strong, silent and insecure demeanor. Nose
hair extending all over his upper lip which is styled in a 70s free loving
pro-bono male sex worker look, hair growing out of his ears which he neatly
combs along the side of his head so that it tangles and mates with the hair
coming out of his bum in a very French Jake Sully manner.
The prolonged use of underwear
does however have an unusual list of side effects. The most often reported side
effects are a variation of the bikini line tan, ALL OVER HIS LEGS, since the
underwear sporting man never does expose his legs to direct sunlight. The usage
of underwear also leads to his pudendas to merge as one, especially during the
summer season causing excessive scratching of the groin area which leads to an
increase of tsking by women folk in and around that area.
Famous Personalities who wore underwear (underneath their clothes) : He - Man, M. Churchill, Grnab Aoswami, Sapil Kibal and Chyna.
The author would like to go on record and state that he has not worn an underwear since the unfortunate incident of 2003, where he got massively drunk and his anal sphincter released the content of his bowels onto his last and only pair of tighty whities, which he then had to fling off the balcony. He successfully transitioned into boxer shorts following this incident.
ps: Notes on boxer shorts and no knickers shall be written down as and when the author has gotten bored of listening to his hair grow. In the dead of the night.
Fact: Hair does grow really slowly.
pps: The author would suggest that you look for an alternate career if you get bored easily. Listening to hair grow takes patience the size of Grnab Aoswami's self righteous prick. Which is massive!
[1]
Investigations are still being carried about by the Papal police on the rather
mysterious pair of apricots found next to his Holiness’s dentures.
[2]
I thought of doing a word play joke on sequined there but then gave up as word
play is not really my forte.
[3]
I did make a joke there.
[4]
On one occasion it even caused a young lady to spectacularly combust in white smoke
when somebody uttered ‘Lepto – Kurtic Curve’ as a joke at a dinner party.
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