In
today’s blog, we shall focus our attention on the origins of boxer shorts and
men who wear them.
Origin
of boxer shorts
The
humble origin of the boxer shorts was not in Africa[1],
as most conspiracy theorists would like us to believe, but in Orissa[2],
India. Orissa to its credit also has pending patents with regards to tying one’s
back hair together as a net to catch Ridley Turtles.
But
coming back to the origin story of boxer shorts, till the early 970AD, all of
mankind was content with constricting the blood flow to their nether regions. Things
would have continued to be the same had it not been for a young coconut farmer
named Biju, who got teased every single time he climbed the coconut tree by his
pet cat, Alka. Alka would wince and laugh every single time Biju would tie the
jute rope around his waist and climb the coconut tree in his underwear.
You
see, one of the biggest drawbacks for the patrons of underwear, is that one
needs to be maintain an optimum pubic hair length[3]. A
length which has a very thin margin of error, any neglect in this department
causes extreme amount of pain, especially to cats, causing them to roll over and
viciously attack any wooden object in their sight. Biju being a poor coconut
farmer, could no longer afford to record videos of Alka doing her hilariously cute antics of
scratching coconut trees. Especially after the coconut trees petitioned the court of coconut
assembly to bring an end to this domestic quarrel.
Biju
did not seem to have any other choice but to either take a sharp object to his family jewels,
which to Biju’s father’s credit was the sole item left behind in his
inheritance after he died[4], and
Biju was quite fond of these family jewels. As he sat there in the evening
watching repeat telecast of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a brilliant idea
stuck him. He decided that instead of choosing underwear or pants, what if he
decided to be Zen like and choose the middle path.
And
so he ran to the village tailor’s shop and gave the order for the very first
pair of boxer shorts. The village tailor, a Nigerian man who lost all his money
in the great email scam of 953AD, saw the immense potential Biju’s fashion
design skills had for his people back at home. And
in a blatant violation of the client - tailor confidentiality oath all tailors take before being certified genital measuring craftsmen, the tailor mass produced these boxer shorts and exported them to Africa with the help of Phantom (The Ghost Who Walks) in the year 981AD.
And that is how the humble boxer shorts were designed and
invented.By an Indian named Biju.
Who
wears them now
Till
the early 19th century, boxer shorts were worn by artists and other
non conformists who had a genetic defect which caused Captain Winkie to explore
areas well outside the boundaries defined by the underwear.
But,
as the years rolled on by, hipsters and bullies observed that teenagers were
the only ones who still sported underwear. They also observed the howl which
accompanied the violent extraction of the underwear sounded as being
extremely pleasurable pain.The artists and other hipsters then went back and devised the thong, while the bullies continued to taunt poor miserable kids who couldn't afford boxer shorts.
At
the end of the last century it was noted that boxers were worn by people who
studied or worked in extremely hostile situations, where the seniors (otherwise
called as assholes in pop culture) were more prone to stick their leg up people’s
bums just because they could.
There
are a number of ways one can spot a boxer shorts patron, so many that the
author does not feel like making them up at this point of time. But the most
common way is to look out for the unusually wide gait the boxer short supporter
has after he leaves his office/school/college premises and heads to the nearest
watering hole.
So
far, there have not been many side effects noted by the continued usage of
boxer shorts, except for the unwieldy pavilion which erects itself when
Scarlett Johansson is mentioned.
Famous
Personalities who subscribe to wearing boxer shorts: Male actors who specialize
in acting in specific kind of R – rated movies, Charlie Chaplin, Bilvio Serlusconi, Sakhee Rawant, Chandrachuran Singh, (Keep a)
Safe (distance from my palm) Khan and Dole – Shole Khan among others.
[1] The Tailoring Association of Africa have it on
good record that they were hardly any orders for underwear since their
introduction in 930AD, as the African male was known to pack a large tool
between his legs as a safeguarded measure against the imminent invasion of Caucasians
who couldn’t jump.
[2] Orissa, now unpopularly called as Odisha. The
name was changed in accordance to new evidence suggested by yet to be conducted
archeological digs which have conclusively proven that the statesmen running
the state are descendants of various vaginal discharges.
[3] Optimium pubic hair length has been ascertained
to be 3mm around the waist – groin triangle and 7mm around the gonads. This was
ascertained by a melee of women who loved to go down but often suffered bouts of
loose motions and vomiting due to the occasional intake of pubic hair. It was
an occupational hazard.
[4] The cause of death for Biju’s father was deduced
to be restricted blood flow down south of his torso.
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