Thursday, 1 March 2012

Grand Classification of Men - Underwear


I have a new theory. A new way to classify men or as the biologists call them Homo – Sapiens, (Not to be confused with people who get teary eyed at the sight of a dinosaur and a donkey kept apart by the abandoned or discarded gonads[1] of Joseph Allo Allo Rats That is a Zinger Burger).

A theory so grand and sweeping, that it is astonishing that so far it has not been dictated to morons practicing their short hand in Braille on dried papyrus leaves or mass printed by the Gutenberg. All that is set to change now, this theory is set to rewrite the history of mankind and how we view ourselves. It should come as no surprise, if you, in later years found this theory paraphrased by Hon Rubbard in his manifesto causing vertically challenged people to jump up and down on your couch while taking a poo. But to keep this theory short, concise and more to the point, I will largely limit my explanation to homo – sapiens.

There have been many classifications before, and in all likelihood there will be plenty more to follow this. But like I said, this is definitive in its application. With all the fan fare I could conjure up at 0518hrs in the morning, I shall now go ahead and enunciate the theory.

‘There are three kinds of men, men who wear briefs, men who wear boxers and men who don’t wear any undergarments of any sort.’

Now, we shall examine each of these three kinds of men in a sequestered[2] manner. For this post, we shall restrict[3] ourselves and talk about the first kind.

Type V – Men who wear underwear
Men who wear underwear, are much like cabbage farmers. You know they exist, you may have probably even heard about them while you eavesdropped on your mother talking excitedly with her friends on the phone or read them in the dirty magazines which your mother treasured more than Embroidery for beginners called Terrace farming for Dummies. 

If you were born in the 80s, you may have even seen somebody wear underwear in person, somebody really close to you. Statistically speaking, it would have been your father, but then again it could as well have been the next door neighbor Mr. Mehra. But then again, statistics is a quack science[4], nine times out of eleven, it is proven to be coma inducing.

If you were also born in the 80s, you may have experienced wearing one yourself whilst sticking a stick of broom down your baniyan pretending to be He – Man. The author does not remember wearing his underwear over his pants pretending to be Superman because pants were meant for grownups and his wardrobe contained mostly onesies and half pants.

The underwear sporting man can be recognized by his strong, silent and insecure demeanor. Nose hair extending all over his upper lip which is styled in a 70s free loving pro-bono male sex worker look, hair growing out of his ears which he neatly combs along the side of his head so that it tangles and mates with the hair coming out of his bum in a very French Jake Sully manner.

The prolonged use of underwear does however have an unusual list of side effects. The most often reported side effects are a variation of the bikini line tan, ALL OVER HIS LEGS, since the underwear sporting man never does expose his legs to direct sunlight. The usage of underwear also leads to his pudendas to merge as one, especially during the summer season causing excessive scratching of the groin area which leads to an increase of tsking by women folk in and around that area. 

Famous Personalities who wore underwear (underneath their clothes) : He - Man, M. Churchill, Grnab Aoswami, Sapil Kibal and Chyna. 

The author would like to go on record and state that he has not worn an underwear since the unfortunate incident of 2003, where he got massively drunk and his anal sphincter released the content of his bowels onto his last and only pair of tighty whities, which he then had to fling off the balcony. He successfully transitioned into boxer shorts following this incident.

ps: Notes on boxer shorts and no knickers shall be written down as and when the author has gotten bored of listening to his hair grow. In the dead of the night. 

Fact: Hair does grow really slowly. 

pps: The author would suggest that you look for an alternate career if you get bored easily. Listening to hair grow takes patience the size of Grnab Aoswami's self righteous prick. Which is massive!

[1] Investigations are still being carried about by the Papal police on the rather mysterious pair of apricots found next to his Holiness’s dentures.
[2] I thought of doing a word play joke on sequined there but then gave up as word play is not really my forte.
[3] I did make a joke there.
[4] On one occasion it even caused a young lady to spectacularly combust in white smoke when somebody uttered ‘Lepto – Kurtic Curve’ as a joke at a dinner party.

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