Thursday, 28 February 2013

Flatmate wanted



This is, if legend suggests, that time of the year when I begin my hunt for flatmates. When I say ‘hunt’, I mean more like valiant search for that particular variant of mango which looks like a ball and has really thin skin and a really small gotti (seed).
Before I digress any further, (by the way, there have been times when I have misread digress as tigress), I am looking for somebody, anybody who would be willing to occupy the spare bedroom in my flat.
The following is the criteria which potential flatmates need to satisfy:
*      Split the rent, (12,650/-), electricity bill (usually ranges from 600 – 900/-), internet bill (16mpbs for 80GB @ 1900/pm), newspaper (150/-), cable (300/-) plus other general miscellaneous expenses.
o   In return for his/her own room, bathroom with a heater, washing machine, microwave, fridge, fully functional kitchen, television and mattress as bed.
o   Right to boast the most fancy address in Bangalore, “Heart of the city” or Indira Nagar 80ft road as the auto fellows like to call it.
o   No need for advance/deposit. Have already paid it.
*      Should possess basic cooking skills. (Make scrambled eggs, toast, rice that sort of shit)
o   Should NOT be averse to heating food in the microwave and eating it.
o   Should NOT be finicky about food.
o   Preferably a non-vegetarian.
*      Preferably likes to get drunk on weekend. And shouldn’t mind me smoking cigarettes.
o   (Even if one is teetotaller, one shouldn’t scorn or judge me for my drinking habits)
o   I don’t smoke up or inject or snort shit up. But if you do, then you have a balcony of your own where you can do so.
o   If you don’t smoke and don’t like cigarettes then, my smoking shall be limited to my room and my balcony.
*      Should be open to play game of dumb charades in the morning till I have finished drinking my cup of morning coffee.
o   Dumb charades is played with hands and loud grunts.
o   Avoid direct eye contact in the morning.
*      Should help on alternate weekends to clean the apartment.
o   Laundry is done during the weekends. Schedule needs to be discussed before doing a load.
*      Should be open to take turns to go out and do grocery shopping.
*      Should be able to talk random nonsense and humour the nonsense I spout from time to time.
*      Should NOT be a racist, religious book thumping bigot, homophobe, and other shit I don’t like.
*      Should understand that I don’t like being touched. Especially when I am sober.
*      The flatmate is entitled to his own room.
o   This room houses the wardrobe and an attached bathroom which has the washing machine.
*      I am largely considered to be ‘weird’ in my habits and not really known for my personal hygiene.
o   None of this affects YOU, the flatmate.
o   Unless of course I feel so comfortable with you that I chase you around the flat asking you to smell my armpits.
*      Occasionally, my friends and my fiancé visit me. One should know how to entertain guests and should NOT be a stuck up creep.
o   The flatmate is entitled to entertain his/her/it’s guests.
o   Though the rule of the thumb is that whoever’s guest it is, one should vouch for them. (Vouch that they are not utter douchebags. I am one. And the flat can handle only so much douche baggery at any given time)
*      Should have a healthy appetite for television, movies and music.
o   The more varied it is the better.
*      Should have an open mind about general shit.
o   Should be prepared to answer random questions which maybe considered deeply personal in different cultures
§   Eg: “Have you ever tasted your own earwax?”, “Does your belly button and bum smell the same?”

I think this more or less sums it up. I am pretty sure that I am missing out on few other details, but once you come and check out the flat, put a face on each other, we can then negotiate on the before mentioned points.
If interested, please email me : don.osiris@gmail.com

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yuk

Nitin said...

Want to vacate my flat so I can apply.

Arjun said...

wouldve shared it - but the personal hygiene thing would be a deal breaker for most people i know

Jagdeep Kaur said...

sigh. there was a time when i wanted to stay (on) in b'lore, and when leaving had resolved to come back and make it happen. :) (my) plans..mor4e fickle than me..

Zennmaster said...

@Anon - It is spelled as "yuck".

@Nitin - I don't know how to respond to that.

@Arjun - Well, I like to open about such things.

@Jagdeep - I am sorry but I didn't quite understand what you said there.

Anonymous said...

Lol. Poor future flatmate. All the best. ;-)

Anonymous said...

which area of bangalore?

Zennmaster said...

@anon - New Thippasandra, Indira Nagar 80ft road. Like it mentions under point 1, subpoint #3

Anoop said...

You should definitely stress on the 'dumb-charades' bit! :D

Sanket said...

Hi, I am interested. Have dropped you a mail.

Supreeth S said...

Hi! I've left you a message. Check it out and ping me back. I'm around there today.

Anusha Pinto said...

An entertaining post. I just moved to Indira Nagar in a sweet house. Else I would be totally in. All the best with the flatmate hunting.

Zennmaster said...

@anusha : Welcome to the heart of the city.