In today’s blog, we shall focus our attention on the origins of boxer shorts and men who wear them.
Origin of boxer shorts
The humble origin of the boxer shorts was not in Africa, as most conspiracy theorists would like us to believe, but in Orissa, India. Orissa to its credit also has pending patents with regards to tying one’s back hair together as a net to catch Ridley Turtles.
But coming back to the origin story of boxer shorts, till the early 970AD, all of mankind was content with constricting the blood flow to their nether regions. Things would have continued to be the same had it not been for a young coconut farmer named Biju, who got teased every single time he climbed the coconut tree by his pet cat, Alka. Alka would wince and laugh every single time Biju would tie the jute rope around his waist and climb the coconut tree in his underwear.
You see, one of the biggest drawbacks for the patrons of underwear, is that one needs to be maintain an optimum pubic hair length. A length which has a very thin margin of error, any neglect in this department causes extreme amount of pain, especially to cats, causing them to roll over and viciously attack any wooden object in their sight. Biju being a poor coconut farmer, could no longer afford to record videos of Alka doing her hilariously cute antics of scratching coconut trees. Especially after the coconut trees petitioned the court of coconut assembly to bring an end to this domestic quarrel.
Biju did not seem to have any other choice but to either take a sharp object to his family jewels, which to Biju’s father’s credit was the sole item left behind in his inheritance after he died, and Biju was quite fond of these family jewels. As he sat there in the evening watching repeat telecast of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a brilliant idea stuck him. He decided that instead of choosing underwear or pants, what if he decided to be Zen like and choose the middle path.
And so he ran to the village tailor’s shop and gave the order for the very first pair of boxer shorts. The village tailor, a Nigerian man who lost all his money in the great email scam of 953AD, saw the immense potential Biju’s fashion design skills had for his people back at home. And in a blatant violation of the client - tailor confidentiality oath all tailors take before being certified genital measuring craftsmen, the tailor mass produced these boxer shorts and exported them to Africa with the help of Phantom (The Ghost Who Walks) in the year 981AD.
And that is how the humble boxer shorts were designed and invented.By an Indian named Biju.
Who wears them now
Till the early 19th century, boxer shorts were worn by artists and other non conformists who had a genetic defect which caused Captain Winkie to explore areas well outside the boundaries defined by the underwear.
But, as the years rolled on by, hipsters and bullies observed that teenagers were the only ones who still sported underwear. They also observed the howl which accompanied the violent extraction of the underwear sounded as being extremely pleasurable pain.The artists and other hipsters then went back and devised the thong, while the bullies continued to taunt poor miserable kids who couldn't afford boxer shorts.
At the end of the last century it was noted that boxers were worn by people who studied or worked in extremely hostile situations, where the seniors (otherwise called as assholes in pop culture) were more prone to stick their leg up people’s bums just because they could.
There are a number of ways one can spot a boxer shorts patron, so many that the author does not feel like making them up at this point of time. But the most common way is to look out for the unusually wide gait the boxer short supporter has after he leaves his office/school/college premises and heads to the nearest watering hole.
So far, there have not been many side effects noted by the continued usage of boxer shorts, except for the unwieldy pavilion which erects itself when Scarlett Johansson is mentioned.
Famous Personalities who subscribe to wearing boxer shorts: Male actors who specialize in acting in specific kind of R – rated movies, Charlie Chaplin, Bilvio Serlusconi, Sakhee Rawant, Chandrachuran Singh, (Keep a) Safe (distance from my palm) Khan and Dole – Shole Khan among others.
 The Tailoring Association of Africa have it on good record that they were hardly any orders for underwear since their introduction in 930AD, as the African male was known to pack a large tool between his legs as a safeguarded measure against the imminent invasion of Caucasians who couldn’t jump.
 Orissa, now unpopularly called as Odisha. The name was changed in accordance to new evidence suggested by yet to be conducted archeological digs which have conclusively proven that the statesmen running the state are descendants of various vaginal discharges.
 Optimium pubic hair length has been ascertained to be 3mm around the waist – groin triangle and 7mm around the gonads. This was ascertained by a melee of women who loved to go down but often suffered bouts of loose motions and vomiting due to the occasional intake of pubic hair. It was an occupational hazard.
 The cause of death for Biju’s father was deduced to be restricted blood flow down south of his torso.