Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Cows not allowed!

Disclaimer – This post is in no way meant to hurt sense and sensibilities of people, especially the woman who got caught in the cross fire. But! If it does… well… don’t look at me… go deal with it…



Well this post is ironic on some many levels that empire state called to get some of them back. Well for starters, I am still writing about what conspired in the last week of the last year. Yes! The same old sodding 2009 which I had tried to best recount and recollect and regurgitate. But, apparently it wasn’t enough and there was still some levels of lethal booze left in me system.  Anyway, on insisted demand, recap of the last week of the last year.


Dec 25, 2009 –


Friend’s “sangeet” function. Was kind of okay, till the end, and then courtesy some kick ass music and awesome sportiveness from my friend’s dad and mum the night took off, as they danced to the tune of “Mere Angne Mein” from the Amitabh starrer Laawaris.




Dec 26, 2009 –


Since there was no booze in the “sangeet” friend and I tanked up on some rum and then went and watched ‘3 idiots’, mostly to spite his girlfriend who was watching the movie leaving him alone. The movie was ‘O.K’ nothing too great to write home about. Aamir Khan acted like a delinquent retard in the movie to be honest.




Dec 27, 2009 –


Think I slept through most of the day. I am not really sure what I did that day. Ok! I think I went for ‘Avatar’. Again. As I tweeted, missed the climax the first time (I usually don’t… oh! Nevermind!)




Dec 28, 2009 –


The D – Day for my friend, who finally got married. Was quite fun to be honest. But! It’s like a movie you can watch it only once, a thousand wild horses and hogs with a gun pointed to my head wouldn’t get me to go into a wedding for the next hundred years. I wouldn’t mind going to bachelor parties though. Anyway… getting back to the recapping of shit shat out of me ass. Yeah! By the end of the day, I was in Kanpur, freezing my balls off.



Dec 29, 2009 –


Work summoned, which was bloody boring mostly because I did not have much to do. But in the night the clients decided to work against the cold by binging on whisky and who am I to say no to free booze. [It’s a hallmark of a true Indian, never say ‘No!’ to anything free, even if it’s rat poison]. Drank, more like swam through two bottles of whisky that night along with 2 other clients like a fish about to be sodomized in the fish bowl.




Dec 30, 2009 –


Bloody late to work. Hungover. Dehydrated. God knows what not! Most of the day went by with me clamping my teeth shut hoping that I don’t give the car a new colorful whisky – kebab designed upholstery.




Dec 31, 2009 and Jan 1, 2010 –


Well, well, well… if this is not the date most of you new readers have been waiting for. Let me be the tease, landed in Bombay and spent ages waiting for my friends to pick me up and get me a roof where I could change and head out for a potentially important meeting with a big shot. BUT! As would be the case, I was late, by a whole 45 minutes. Unheard of when it comes to me reaching someplace important.


Anyway, the one hour interview got cut down to a 5 minute one and I was back on my way to my friends place which would then serve to be the place where the now infamous “*** in Santa Cruz” took place. Anyway, the theme(?) of the house party was jungle theme, which found me wearing blinking devil’s horns and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Drank so much that I was flying much before the first guest rang the bell.


What followed next was what would now go down in the annals of history as the day my dick ruled my drunk head and in the due process blinded the fuck out of me. Not wanting to disclose names (for fear of ruining marriages) or describe the physical nature of the woma(/e?)n [well considering how big the bird was, the doubt is pretty logical]. Well, for those still curious, let’s just say the cow puts ‘uggghhh’ in ugly.


Anyway, tongues swapped spit and my hands searched for the long lost land of Atlantis (for those curious, the lost land of Atlantis was never found, my hands got lost in the layers of debris [read flesh]) and before I knew it I had passed out.


However I do remember that I wished one and all and made a complete fool out of myself. But I am told that the fun AND the party began much after I had passed out when my friends found out what my dick had been leading me to do.

I would now be stating the obvious that the ribbing sessions began as soon as I woke up and found consciousness and continued till I left the shores of Bombay and in all likelihood will probably continue for quite some time now.


Anyway, all I can say is that it is good riddance 2009, 2010 has got a very expectant vibe, hopefully not the pregnancy kinds.


I am told that there are going to be another slew of marriages this year, which let me declare are illegal by my standards since I, King Leonidas, had declared all marriages of all friends, foes and acquaintances in the next 5 years to be null and void. I would however attend all functions and parties where booze would be served.


Anyway, will try and update on how crazy 2010 started off, with my laptop going all Rakhi Sawant on my now blubberous behind.




Ps: for those wondering “What were you thinking?”, well the truth of the matter is I wasn’t, I was drunk and I was horny and I am pretty sure I would allowed an elephant to grope me and blow me.


Pps: Wait a second… I think that’s exactly what happened…


Ppps: sigh!


Pppps: Apart from my perpetual horny and drunk state, I also blame my friend who was supposed to take care of the onions and the kebabs for me. Which he disastrously failed to do so which led to the events which occurred.  

Ppppps: I also found that I have a huge gash on my head which is now all clotted and shit. I don't even remember when the fuck I bumped my head and where? 


pppppps: Think I will just leave booze alone for a little while. 


ppppppps: And hence, no married and more importantly no ugly cows shall be invited for any further parties. If they do stomp in then I shall cancel the party and blacklist my friend who got the cow in the first place.


THE END.

2 comments:

literalinterpretations said...

Elephant! Lol.. Maybe its a sign. You will "IMPROVE" in 2010. You would like the healthier lot now.

* Phoebe's plan laugh - Mwuahahahahhahahaaa *

PS : Atlantis? Really? I feel so proud. Lol.

Zennmaster said...

Like I mentioned before... Shall keep me trap shut. :)

ps: Atlantis - Proud? You lost me there now... the good kind of lost, not the kind me fingers were.