Saturday, 9 January 2010

Evolution, Caveman and Retail Therapy


As always my intellectual masturbation, primarily due to the vow of abstinence after the now infamous 'cow's year of 2009', has left me with a rather cunning theory, which in no way will be leading to an equally cunninglus encounter with a hot brunette.


Anyway, coming back to the theory…


When man was still evolving, (as you can tell, I do not subscribe to the creationist theory) and was figuring out whether he should be banging his knob on the woman's badonkadonk or her oriental fanny and did not meet with a lot of success, it shrunk the caveman's club into depression which would come out of his shell only if he spanked his monkey. He was seriously contemplating being a loyal congress man for the rest of his, and even coined the slogan "Haath Hi mera saathi" (roughly translated it reads "in me palms I trust to make me cum").


The situation was not exactly being aided when one considers that fertile cavewomen were unwilling to replace the caveman's hands with their mouth. It's a good thing for you and I that the caveman did not respond to the non – fertile cavewomen, who were plenty in number and kept dropping subtle hints like shouting their sex was on fire and urging the caveman to put it out. Just imagining the scenario of 'What if' sends me pecker hiding deep into me bushes.


There was however a fallout out of all this and the very concept of evolution was under the hammer, when one considers a depressed AND a horny caveman. The caveman however resorted to majorly binging on some delicious F&B while ensuing to practice the art of knocking his knob on a nearby goat/cow or even poultry for that matter whilst learning to talk dirty which now gave birth to the now therapeutic words "Kaboom…Kaboom", "Hoover Damn", "Crunchy Mushrooms" and my personal favorite "Holy butter balls".


It was all one big depressing vicious circle of animal husbandry and being fowl or foul (never sure of synonyms at times like these), to be quite honest.


Till one fine day, the caveman got pretty bored of it all and decided to venture into one of the shopping malls along with his other caveman friend, who wanted to "check out" some pretty cool Neolithic Bronze weapons and netbooks, the damn dinosaurs were getting more and more dangerous having eaten all the data and porn on their laptops, the cavemen's existence was now under some serious threat.


Anyway, this was the first time the caveman truly experienced what few cavewomen share with cavemen. "Retail Therapy". It is one of "But Obvious" things which women don't tell men even to this day, retail therapy my dear children is the universal solution to all of life's problems.


Having realized the enormity of this epiphany, the caveman quickly exchanged all the bones and stones in his bank account for shiny little games and fancy phones. He was however enamored by this one little thing called "Wii". After reaching home and for the next 48 hours the caveman completely forgot about the congress party, the fowl and his precious coffee.


So he eagerly awaited @ian_stokoe (who I secretly believe is also 'The Stig'. Yes! The one who is wanted by the CIA and sleeps upside down like a bat) to finish developing his Wii Porn game, after which the caveman proceeded to live his life in utter bliss.


Then, one fine day, when the cavewomen finally realized that the caveman is no longer giving them the due importance they believe was rightfully theirs and the caveman couldn't be arsed about any of their pricey antics, decided to crawl back on their knees and give him a nice blow job whilst he continued playing on the Wii Console.


And that is how, my dear children, the mankind evolved and still continues to evolve.


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