Saturday, 19 December 2009

2009 – The year that was

Before I begin, I suggest you tuck yourself into your nice and warm duvet, I recommend this cause in all likelihood you are going to fall asleep reading this really, really long post. And I know, it's a bit early for me to recap the year but I am guessing I wouldn't be anywhere near a computer OR have the time to write it all down keeping in mind the insane amount of drinking and sleeping I need to catch up on. So here I write for all posterity, only to read it in another couple of months to find that what I have written is complete sodding bollocking self pity tirade. Anyway…



Having quit my job in December of 2008, I finally came to my senses and realized that I needed to get a job real quick. Result of the epiphany, a major deluge of mails being sent out by me. pleading companies to consider me.


But, as would be the case, none of them got back. Recession was grabbing companies by their balls and screaming was largely muffled with talks about recession.


Finally managed to get a job which was paying quite decently(okay! Understatement, the pay was pretty damn good). But to be honest, I hated the work I was doing. It was a glorified admin work for which I was getting paid a bomb. Though on the bright side of things, my sex life was creaking and breaking beds. Didn't do much for Valentine 's Day, even if I did, I don't quite remember what I did.


Sex life was brilliant, but I still wasn't hearing back from the companies I was interested in. Think, March was the time when I went into a pseudo live in relationship.


Spent some time in Bombay (Raj Thackery, you can come and blow me penis and suck on me balls, though I think it would be very un-maharasthrian of you to do).


Think this was the time of the year when I messed up my live in relationship when I developed feelings for this girl in Bombay. It is suffice to say, it did not go down too well with the VHP flag raising, hanuman chest thumping "Jai Shri Ram" chanting girl who was staying with me in Bangalore.


My lack of interest in the work I was doing was becoming more and more apparent and me boss was losing his patience faster than Pamela Anderson bobs her boobies on Baywatch. I officially called off the live in relationship OR the girl called it off, am not sure, though am pretty sure the girl called off, Anyway… But being the dick I am, made mostly of buffalo skin, these things more or less bounced of me hide like an arrow shot towards Gulliver by Lilliputians.


My roommates decided that The last week of May and first week of June would be a real nice time for them to leave me alone at home.


Confession: I don't do alone so good, especially not on my birthday.


Anyway, finances had to be tightened, and I needed something with which I could leash my sanity which was ebbing away like the receding line of Jeff Goldbum in 'The Fly'.


BUT! The need to get laid was paramount, well, you don't expect anything better than this from a caveman now do you? So went to Bombay couple of times, but every single time was a KLPD moment. But the romantic I am at heart and the lying, thieving horny bastard that I actually am, I followed that Greek (?) thing about "Trying and trying again". Yes, I can be quite daft and dick headed sometimes. (Yes! I did mean that as an euphemism)


My boss had enough of me and I had enough with the shitty glorified high paying job. So when he decided to show me the door, I was more relieved than upset to be honest. So the job hunting resumed once again. Finances with all the going back and forth to Bombay with no sex was finally beginning to burn a hole in my pocket and considering how close it is to my genitals I had to choose. Either I take the risk and go ahead, roll the dice and hope that I get lucky OR I cock it up (pun intended) and sit at home and figure out what I wanted to do in life.


Having grown old just the previous month, I decided to stay put and wet my pecker in some cold water rather than 'honey pots'.


I did not realize how much blood gets diverted to my groin instead of my brains till I realized how much work I got done in this month. Applied for the Army (There is a twisted logic behind it, and too long for me to type it out). Started writing "Alan – Tales of a Nobel Prize winning bastard", my first (complete tosser of an attempt) stab at novel writing.


But, there were bound to be lapses in my attempts to stop the blood flow to my third leg. So, ended up going to Goa, was fun actually, and even though I still had to wet my pecker in cold water it was fun nevertheless.


This month went by in doing two things mainly, viz., wait for the call letter from the Army and writing "Alan – Tales…".


And everybody who knows me on any of my many first name basis will know that I am not really known for being patient, I am what one would call as a truant stubborn pain in the nether region 6 year old. And this whole waiting business was beginning to get to me.


But, surprisingly I managed to do quite well with my sanity, freelance assignments started to come in, and I started to look at some more money and make a teeny tiny dent into the growing wall of debt.


Well September started on a really horrible note. Got "Fuck Out!" order from the Army. On psychological grounds.


Was no big surprise really, considering the fact that I have been telling myself and rewarding myself to not be part of any group. The Army on the contrary rewards you to stop thinking for yourself and follow the orders given to the pack. But I would be lying and be caught if I said this news did not affect me. And any good liar knows that you never lie when you know you are going to get caught.


This news had bought me very close to the edge. And when you are alone near an edge, your mind dares you to do some rather stupid things. It's good thing that I am smarter than my mind. But, this breakdown did have repercussions, I junked "Alan – Tales of blah blah", all 70000 words. And, well considering the fact that I got dumped. AGAIN! Did not really do much to my already broken and trampled upon ego given that the reason for being dumped was ""You don't figure in my plans…I want to buy a flat in Dadar and you don't fit in it! I don't see you making that happen!"


Well, having been kicked in the gonads plenty of times before I had now developed quite the plan to deal with it. But it still did hurt, a LOT. So, I started writing, again. And I was doing this mostly to keep my sanity in check and not to mention that somebody had once told me that I should seriously consider writing. Anyway, all the writing and rewriting gave birth to "Adam". Of whom I am rather proud of. But, the now towering wall of debt was threatening to fall down on my beaten up black and blue behind. And things, to be honest, looked real bleak.


BUT! There is a reason why I pride myself to be King Leonidas, the lion king of Sparta. Got couple of work assignments. Which meant that I could now kick that Persian messenger into the well of death, well if not kick him into the well of death at least tell him to give me a month's time to make part payment.


As I began to work again, however short it was, I remembered how much fun it used to be, travelling and working and thinking. The porn material for an intellectual mastrubator, who hasn't got laid for a while now. Scratch that. Who hasn't got laid for a very long time now.



Right, it's the middle of December and I have worked for ONE whole month. When I say one whole month I mean all 31 days, including Saturdays and Sundays. But a man has got to do what a man's got to do.


Anyway, will be spending my new year's in Bombay. Not sure with whom or doing what. But! Let's hope it was better than all the previous years barring 2008 and 2009. Crossing my fingers for a few things. Don't want to talk about it and jinx it. (I said talk about it, I can and will tweet about it).


Anyway, before I end this year. A special message to some very special people.


To all you losers who got married this year. Take my middle finger, you know what to do with it.


To all those losers who are yet to get married but will get married in the next year "suck my balls".


To all the non – psycho, non – race supremist, non – gold diggers gorgeous Ladies… Call me!


Sophia Ali said...

Quite humorous...kept me glued from Jan to Dec :)

Loved your closing as well :)

Zennmaster said...

*blushing a bright deep beet root red like a spanked young baby's bottoms* Thanks

ps: note to self - Learn how not to blush and take a compliment like a man.

Becky said...

Am i permitted to call?

Zennmaster said...

hehehehe...Yes you are... Though you wouldn't quite fit into the demographics I was expecting calls from considering you are me ex- mother... :)

sam's renaissance said...

loved reading it ...was totally transfixed to the screen..did all of this really happen???

Zennmaster said...

Well no matter how bad my life is... It sure is eventful... never has disappointed me in that department...

Shreya said...

Err.. I just went through your life in 2009..

Quite eventful your life was/is.

And it wasn't long, as you warned us.

And I hope your December 2010 post is more exciting :D

Keep writing! :)

(And did I mention you write really really well?)