Tuesday, 24 March 2009

I am a Delhiite

This is not an original composition - I have picked it up from some friend's notes on FB. And I love it…

I will not return calls.
I will show off.
I will live beyond my means.
I will be a pathological liar.
I will be brash.
I will be abrasive.
I will be rude.
I will be nasty.
I will make false promises.
I will serve paneer in 21 different ways when throwing a formal dinner party.
I will bow down, touch feet and take blessings of all those who are even a year older than me just for the express purpose of collecting loose change.
I will wear zircons and claim them to be the finest diamonds.
I will rhyme every other word like whisky shisky and think that I am very witty.
I will be crassy not classy.
I will obsess over Bollywood.
I will worry myself sick if Shah Rukh Khan breaks his toe nail.
I will stalk Priyanka Chopra when I move to Mumbai.
I will do my best to produce a Bollywood movie even it wipes out my family´s fortune.
I will feel that I am stunningly good looking.
I will equate fair skin with beauty.
I will try my hand at modeling.
I will try my hand at acting.
I will be shallow.
I will tell one and all that I know the Prime Minister´s pedicurist.
I will believe that dancing at weddings is more important than finding a cure for cancer.
I will hire a choreographer to teach me how to dance at weddings.
I will make a total ass of myself dancing at weddings.
I will take credit for other people´s work.
I will look down on people who make less money than me.
I will mistake kindness for weakness.
I will have diarrhea of words and constipation of ideas.
I will hit rock bottom but I will continue to dig deeper.
I will raise land grabbing to an art form.
I will bow down to Vaishno Devi, the symbol of woman power, in the morning and womanize in the evening.
I will be proud of the fact that my city has the highest rape rate in the country.
I will tease women and it is my moral right to do so.
I will pull all the right strings to get me out of jail if arrested for eve teasing.
I will be a dress designer if I am a woman.
I will be a property dealer if I am a man.
I will be a wheeler dealer. Period.
I will claim to be a businessman but will not disclose what exactly my business is.
I will be a fixer.
I will be above the law of the land.
I will subvert the system.
I will carry at least 9 mobiles on my person at any given time.
I will do my level best not to think.
I will stop others from thinking.
I will shut my brain down.
I will argue not using facts but the decibel level of my voice
I will refuse to admit that I am human and can make mistakes.
I will derisively refer to all those who live South of the Vindhayas as "Madrasis."
I will brag about the flyovers, malls and call centers in my city.
I will conveniently forget that all the flyovers, malls and call centers in my city are built with the help of taxes generated by other parts of India .
I will not pay my taxes.
I will try my best to be a thug.
I will mention my name, followed by the words "this side", to announce myself on a telephone call.
I am a Delhiite.

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