Friday, 19 September 2008

Fuck - II

I am here again, at the airport, Mumbai for those who have a irritating thing for details, but oddly and weirdly this is the first time I am not happy to be inside the airport. I mean this is definitely the first time. I know couple of things that this feeling is somehow connected to the fact that I have spent the major part of the last 3 days in complete boredom. As I was waiting for the shuttle bus to take me from departure gate to another, I couldn't help but feel sad for myself. I mean there were powerful people getting out of their cars, their ears firmly attached to their blackberries, these guys were prime exponents of the whole phenomenon of power dressing, you could just sense that these guys were powerful people, they did something which was important. Something which changes the way people wake up in the morning kind. I want to do something of that sort, something which affects the way you eat, or drink, or watch TV or for that matter what is that you are going to eat, drink, watch or read. I mean in the last one year the only thing which probably is in the same orbit as important is that I worked on this new beer which is hitting the Indian market real soon. I love this beer but that's about it, I want to do something bigger, better, I want to live my life little better. Get a bigger, swankier and posh lifestyle. I know whatever the fuck I do, I will have it made when I turn 28, I have no idea why 28 and not 27 or 29 the number just sounds fine. I know I will have a car, a house the works. But fuck, I hate waiting, be it the good news or the bad news, I hate waiting. I want things to happen NOW.

You know these are the things which remind me how empty my life really is. And am not referring to the materialistic things here, no sir, I am talking about everything, I am talking about relationships, I am talking about fulfillment. I mean there was this period of about 4-5 months when I used to walk back home around 3-4 in the morning and I used to enveloped in this feeling of loneliness, of having to go back to place where there is nobody waiting on me. And trust me that feeling used to deflate every tiny feeling of happiness of accomplishment I would gather like an ant collecting food during the day. I realized being happy alone does not really amount to much. I guess, the other feeling which is making me feel like a little girl is the fact that I have more friends with whom I can talk to and connect in Mumbai than in Bangalore. There is also this probably misplaced feeling that I would probably not have to face somebody else's shit or fire fight for somebody in office.

Maybe it is just lack of sleep, maybe it is lack of the number of hugs I now give or receive. I know am acting like a little girl because I know whatever that I am feeling right now is going to go away for a short while as soon as I go pamper myself silly by buying something which I may soon not find use for.

I have an idea…the next time you see me, take me out shopping and buy me something which will make me jump up and down with joy bunching my tighty whities or just plain give me good big bear hug. I personally can't decide which is better. Though if you ask me to choose one, I would prefer a big bear hug, a hot cup of coffee and a nice conversation, like I said, will do a 'free hugs' thing someday. Going by the looks of it all, maybe real soon…

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