Thursday, 19 June 2008

Top 10 Worries…

Its 5:27 AM. I just finished Chetan Bhagat's latest book called "the 3 mistakes of my life", and knowing the Indian consumer this too shall climb the best seller list, not good as 5 point someone, not bad as one night at the call centre. But I realized as to why Chetan's book hold the reader the way it does, these are fictional stories but you can relate to the character. It speaks of friendship, love, betrayal, misunderstanding from a perspective where not few people who are lost in melancholic thoughts live most of their lives in, but from a perspective every other Indian sees things from and lives life.


I mean the book and certain other things have set me thinking. There is this urge to suddenly go get all my dreams, this sudden raving passion building deep inside me, something similar to the feeling I get in my gut whenever I finish watching one of the Rocky movie's or finish watching Good Will Hunting. I need to do something, anything... I have seen people peg me something or the other, and I have always known that it is not the right category, because I don't know what I am. There are certain words uttered by people which are still rankling deep inside my psyche. Something very close to what Vince Papale got to hear from his wife who wiped him clean but not before she finished writing up this note on a piece of carton "You are good for nothing...You are worth shit" or something of that sort.


I remember getting into a similar state sometime back in college, when I was down with 13 arrears ( back papers, suppleee or KT's however you refer it to), I remember the taunts from the guys staying in the next door to my room about how I was a good for nothing, and how all I am really interested is gettin myself fucked over and over again. Something I guess my father still believes and likes to bring to the limelight whenever he gets the chance.


I know I had the brains to get it done, but like I mentioned before am not really that strong as I disillusion myself into being. I know others too who are finding it bit difficult out there with no jobs and no support in the name of family or friends watching out for you. And in the last 6 months I have gone and burnt all my bridges with every single one of my friends and family. Stubbornness? Stupidity? Arrogance? Ego? God knows! But I did.


So I haven't spoken to anybody in my family in well over a month. I intend on carrying forward this silence with them for as long as I can. With friends, well... We have just drifted apart, you know something called life happened to all of us. Somebody did tell me long time back that a day like this would come. And I never did listen to them.


I do want to prove a point. To whom I really don't have any idea. But you do work yourself into this self righteous anger when somebody raises fingers about your intelligence. At the end of the day nobody wishes to be in the wrong. I know I have done many wrongs, a lot I have documented here, a lot I will take to my grave. I have been wronged more often than that.


I had things in control for a maximum of a week. And every single time, I manage to do this, a ghost from the past comes haunting. And my reality ceases to exist. I don't suppose its abnormal for one to do something like that. Neither is it healthy for one to keep doing the same things again and again. Anyway, in the last couple of months these are the things which have occurred and they have bothered me to no end and I need to get them out of my system:


1. My father is a dick. He has proved it on more than one occasion. And I was fool to be mistaken and be led to believe otherwise.


2. Preethi and me stopped conversing. Part of it was ego I believe. Part of it paranoia. And my mum really should start understanding that she never did control any part of my life, she never did influence me in any manner and she is not going to get her way by manipulating people whom I respect and I care for.


3. I finally moved on. I mean relationship wise. Yes, the whole feelings for Nish aren't there anymore. Well not as intense as it used to be, where I drop everything am doing and spend some precious moments over the phone laughing over the years gone by. The intensity has died down. But I know that if am anything which people may mistake to be human its all because of this one single woman. And I will always love her. Maybe not with the same intensity. But I will.


4. I realized that to be happy, one needs to stop asking the vicious circle of Qs. The one's where you begin questioning with an innocent Why? and ending up questioning your very existence. And I will always thank M for letting me in on the secret.


5. I really need to apologize to M sometime. Not for putting her through shit, we have done that enough. But for being incapable to make her understand where I come from and how I think. I need to apologize to her and tell her that I am sorry I was confused and I still am. I am sorry that I made her into a cynic. Am pretty sure that she is going to cry when she reads this, and she is going to read into this a lot more than what it intends. And I am going to get pissed because she is going to be crying, and she will try her best to hide it.


6. I love my job, but the boss is taking away all the fun away from it. Kinda like the damn demantors. Thinking about how long I should stick on to this job.


7. I got my exams in exactly a month's time. Got shit loads to study. I have finally crawled and found the due diligence to hit my books every night, even if I am reading just a paragraph I am studying. Though the speed bothers me.


8. I am shit broke. I never was comfortable with having no money. Always brings back shitty memories from childhood. Brings back memories where my friends have pitched in for me, when Nish has stood up for me against her friends. And it has left me feeling a sense of gratitude. Which oddly seems misplaced right now. I have no idea why?


9. I am bothered that M has still not found out what she wants to do. I am getting increasingly bothered about the state of affairs for H1 visa holders. I am bothered about how one person's lack of career goals pisses me off, and how one person's comments about me suffering from the same broke me. But in my defense I always knew what I wanted to do, I was lazy yes. But I had the path in front of me. It was clear. I am bothered that when I finally decided to walk the path, I am left with no travel mates.


10. I am getting extremely worried about my lack of forgiving skills. I still wanna get back at my ex-room mate due to whom I got suspended from college. I still wanna get back at my dad. The list is endless. And its scary.

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