Monday, 26 May 2008

Things I want to talk about, But… I can’t!

I don't I started writing something, but I have erased it all, because somewhere things jus did not sound right you know, I mean I want to talk about M, and how in some weird ass way I yearn for that comfort feeling of having somebody I can call and talk too, even though if I do I would have failed miserably in holding steady in my resolution of trying to cope loneliness. I want to talk about my dad who once again may have been misunderstood by me or he is just fucked up beyond fucking words. I want to talk about this void I feel at night, where I can generally talk about my day and shit you know, instead of keeping all the funny and the irritating shit holed up inside me. I want to talk about how difficult it is for one to have a social network in a new place. I want to talk about what a bastard and shallow person I have become. I want to talk about how different I was when I was still a dreamer, talk about the fairy tale romance, the picture and quotes of love which people so foolishly keep displaying and throwing it around.


 

Want to talk about the many things I don't know make me person devoid of any emotions, I want to talk about how cool I think catching flights and living out of your bags is, I want to talk about how sometimes my room-mates get on my nerves but at the same time make me appreciate that am grateful to them for a million small things which I don't think my ego will ever allow me to show my gratitude towards. I want to talk about how I feel inferior when I see people my age living it up, with parties, booze, women, fast cars and gadgets.


 

I want to talk about how serious and dark my last few posts have been and how I want to talk about something light and funny, and how I never understand what people find funny in me, I want to talk about how none of my friends and me keep in touch anymore and how the past feelings of hurt and betrayal keep coming up time and again. Want to talk about all the little things I did in a relationship like kiss somebody's tears away after making love ( I want to talk about how majority of the women cry when I make love to them the first time, either I am horrible at bed and they can't fathom the fact and they cry or they just get moved by the whole thing), or how I give one of those melt in arms kind of hug have no special feelings for me anymore because I have done it way too many times with way too many people who I will never consider special.


 

I want to talk about how I think the dialogues from the movie Sunshine of the spotless mind and Annie hall seem apt for my life. I want to talk about how I think any woman who takes to me is not right for me because she thought I was cute or funny? Or good looking or plain yummy! And how I think they are all plain dumb because they like a guy like me ( the # of dumb women must be running high I suppose) And how when I dump them or they dump me or I act in a way they should dump me so that I don't have to feel guilty about the whole thing. There are a lot of things I want to talk about.


 

But there just doesn't seem to be anybody I can talk about you knows. And it's sad, not because it's me, but because am not the kind of guy who would want to talk. But then again, if I had somebody to talks I won't be complaining about the things I want to talk about you know. It's contradictory. It's me. Life is like a big double headed coin, a catch-22 ridden situation following another.


 

And I also think that using one's computer to write a blog while waiting for one's flight is awesomely cool, even though I think its a bit childish to think so, and wannabe'ish. I feel like a kid in a toy factory. Thinking about someday working in this factory, so that I can be with toys all day, and when I finally do I can't seem to get over the disbelief for a realllllyyyyy long fucking time.


 

I mean I have been living the life where I spend about 70% of time living life out of my bags, going from one airport to another, sleeping in one hotel room to another, and I love it. Love every bit of it, always wanted to do that, think since I saw Edward Norton digress about it in fight club. All I need now is a number for me to call up which I can store in my phone as home...

2 comments:

Vishnu said...

Greetings Sire,
I trust you remember the name Vishnu ? Your contact number's proven to be just as elusive as you are,as it turns out. I'm here at Blore, mail me your number at

ihatealgebra[at]gmail[dot]com

Anonymous said...

Hey brother: Your fellow partner in pain.. You express every thing I would have wanted to express and in a way I would. I've been yearning to talk to you for a little while now.. I am still packing up shit in the US.. wondering if this NUMB feeling will ever go away..