Monday, 28 April 2008

Confessions

I feel like I'm faking being normal. Before I make decisions, I think about every possible outcome in vivid detail. All the way from what would different routes would end up like, to what exactly all the different people involved (directly or indirectly) are going to think or say, and I come up with retorts for every single way a conversation can go before I actually answer or decide what route to go. I can almost even picture exactly what it's going to smell like in the room I'm about to enter, or the smell of a person that I'm going to talk to. Because of the same reason, I can't feel any of the things people normally feel.

I always see myself doing things, like am in some sorta of a movie, especially when am doing something real important or when am having a conversation with myself. Its like am constantly performing in front of a crowd. Going back and forth a set character people perceive me to be. I don't seem to understand as to why the friends who have stuck by me have chose to do that? I wonder with whom I have never pretended and been myself. Its scary when you realize that all that you are nothing but a figment of your hyperactive imagination. Scary that you think you are shit, and you think that you have succeeded in making people believe otherwise in you. There is a monster in me, and I am scared that I cant control it any longer. I can't feel remorse for any shit I have done. Because I can't feel. There have been times when I have cut myself just to feel some pain. Just to feel something. To feel alive. Smoking in that case has helped me. I can feel the smoke hit my throat. I can feel that. I can feel pain. But love? joy? happiness? i can feel

It's not normal because I have no awkward pauses when I'm in any situation thinking all this through since this happens in my head in a split second. I only pretend that I think like everyone else does. I only pretend to feel love, or when I say it. I think I feel it but on more than one occasion I just don't feel anything. Kinda explains why lot of women hate my guts when I have said I love them but I was just pretending, and the worst bit is that since its so natural for me I don even know that am doing it. And no matter how much I try to explain the boon and the bane bit, I know you just won't get it. But this is just a confession, I really don't expect anything. So there you go.

My imagination is abnormal I think. And I pretend am normal. But in fact am just one fucked up kid. Thanks mum and dad, now you get back to hitting each other, abusing each other and beating the shit out of me. Don't wanna talk about the other abuses now.

3 comments:

hammy said...

Ooh yeah, you are one fucked up kid... or maybe you're just a mimic. You do make your own stand in life, but the core philosophy at each stage is governed by characters from shows, and every now and then you mutate back and forth from one character to the next.

For example, this particular article sources heavily from Dexter, the TV show.

So much is not unnatural. But like most things in life, everything is natural in moderation. Do you border around insanity in mimicking fiction to life? I don't think so.

That doesn't mean I think you are sane. It just mean you are not insane in THIS respect.

Zennmaster said...

hmmm... on the contrary... this post draws heavily from one of the confessions i had read on post your confessions site... hmmm... think I should do a piece on how people think they know you... but they really have no idea... =)

hammy said...

Dude, can you be more convoluted?

"his post draws heavily from one of the confessions i had read on post your confessions site."

my confessions site? read on post?

"think I should do a piece on how people think they know you... but they really have no idea."

know me? or was that meant to be generic? 'you' meaning the common person?

and just by the way... how come my comment reads 'anonymous hammy'? it has my name AND my site ID on record... now how is that anonymous?