Everyday, I get thousands upon millions of electronic mails asking how to pick up women. The truth of the matter - however unnatural and fundamentally opposed to everything you've ever learned about the opposite sex – is that a woman actually picks you. Worse yet, women are shamefully superficial: a woman will judge a man on his appearance alone, regardless of how big her rack is. And just how long after first sight does it take for a woman to decide if she’d sleep with a guy? Try 8.3 seconds*. That's 1.7 seconds faster than your typical rocket launch. Astonishing.
Without the verbal acumen, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to ensnare a woman upon first glance, most men don’t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to be ready for nightmare contingencies such as laryngitis or, heaven forbid, the sudden appearance of a zit. Therefore, I’ve started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume ensembles that allow virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a woman’s 8.3 second barrier.
* Average time elapse based on a B.S. University study in which a cohort of attractive 18-22 year old females were exposed to pictures of random males and asked whether they would sleep with them. To legitimize the study, subjects were also shown a control picture of the lead researcher in a sharp suit (me) and asked the same question.
FIRST IMPRESSION COSTUMES
– Walk into a bar wearing a gun, a knife, and/or a grenade (toys preferred) and a woman’s first thought will be, “Now here’s a man who can protect me,” followed quickly with her second thought, “I’d like to engage in sexual relations with this heavily armed man.”
ROCK AND ROLL DRUMMER
– Carry a pair of drumsticks and wear a denim vest emblazoned with a patch of your favorite band. Nobody knows what the drummer looks like. NOTE: Avoid the “Def Leppard” patch unless you plan on being uncomfortable all night.
L. L. COOL J
– Ladies love Cool James.
– Toss a beret on your melon and carry around a paintbrush and suddenly you’re the sensitive guy – which gives a woman the perverse pleasure of believing she might actually make you cry.
– Leg irons, and a black and white striped jumpsuit. Women love jewelry, a pin-striped suit, and danger. Combine all three and you’ll make her Sing Sing for ten to twenty-five (minutes).
There were other suggestions which women suggested would work in perfect sync for gay men was that of a
– A smock covered in dog hair will instantly convince any man to sleep with you. Why? Because there’s nothing sexier to a man than a man who actively sought an education in the early detection of feline diabetes and other animal maladies.
– Throw on a T-shirt two sizes too small for you, grab a hair dryer and an issue of Cosmo, and when you walk into a bar EVERY man will want to be with you.