I was down in chennai for a good week and a half. And the entire trip boiled down to 3 conversations I had with 3 different people all on the last day. Tuesday. One was with M. The other was with my mum and the third one was suprisingly with my dad.
Well I had initially gone back home, because I puked blood. Again. But this time not the measly shit where you try and figure out if its tomato or blood, but the really cool kind where there is only blood and you know if this was being recorded for the big screen it would have fetched all sorts of awards. But anyway, I just wanted to confirm my own diagonsis so me went to chennai where the doctors duly acknowledged that I was a pig headed mother fucker and not some village bumpkin who fuels their god complex.
But coming back to the conversations.
Conversation with M:
You know I realized that the reason why I am like the way I am is because I hate the system. System here being everything, the society, the world and shit. There are people who have tried to do shit but have failed miserably and died in vain only to be recognized for wat they did long after they stop fucking trying to convince the system that there is something inherently worng with it.
I am a rebel. I do not like the system. I think the system is fucked up and I am not willing to live the way the system wishes me to live by. And for this reason alone I think a lot of my anger and angst is attributed to. I know people who have accepted that the system is flawed and they are not willing to change it but abide by it. But am not one of them. I have been in fights ever since I was in school. Trying to outsmart it. Trying to bend the rules maybe even break them. And I still am doing that. I know people notice that about me. Me flauting my total disregard to rules and regulations and openly questioning them. I have finally accepted that I can never live by the rules of the society. In the due process though I don't want to die and then not be there to see what the fuck of a change I have made in this life.
Conversation with Mum:
The interesting bit is that I always thought that women like to talk, and more than anything this was a statement which mum has repeatedly mentioned a million times. But the even more interesting aspect is that, she won't talk to me, but to anybody and everybody. And I don't like that. Well parting conversation was she saying something and me responding with Why? and she crying... beats me... when I asked her why is she crying she won't answer.
Conversation with Dad:
You know dad was never around, and all that crap and shit. But I know that I take a lot after my dad. And I realized this when he dropped of to help me catch my bus back to Bangalore. And he was saying things which I know I think in my head and pat myself for the kinda productive shortcuts I come up with. And I also realized that he is the way he is because of his father. I have heard stories about him being a boy, kinda hard for you to imagine your father being anything else other than your father. And it turns out that his life was far worse than mine, all thanks to his father. But I guess watching his father ( that would be my grandfather) reduced to a mumbling piece of flesh, I doubt if there is any blood left inside that fraile body of his, made my father realize that maybe he may need me. Maybe I am not that irresponsible after all. And in that 20 minute drive where he and I spoke, well mostly he was the one who was talking and I was there relishing this father son moment which guiltly I will accept was somethign I have always craved for.
You know its true what people say. I mean a mother does so much, esp my mum, she has done so much, but I hardly know her at all. BUt the man who has been absent for more than just the major portion of my life strikes me as being a replica of myself. He is my father. I really don't know where all that anger I had against my father vanish. Did it disappear when my father and I got into an argument and he broke down? Or has time really healed all those wounds? I really don't know.
But when I left chennai last night. It was with a light heart and heavy luggage. I am now the proud owner of a sony vaio laptop. And I have enrolled myself into an MBA. I can feel this tingling feeling inside that there is a lot more to come. I don't when and where, but there is this thing.... will tell all and more when it all happens.