People, who know me, know that the cigarette is an extension to me, 30 minutes won't go by without you noticing me aching for a smoke. And people also know that I see cigarette more as a means to do what one wants. So anything to do with smoking gets me kind of excited.
And so when the movie No Smoking was released, I was hyper-excited to watch it. But unfortunately could never find the time to do so. But as fate would have it, one of my many shopping impulses, I went ahead and purchased the DVD for it. Being fully aware, that people, critics all had panned the movie. And I had questioned their reviews by asking myself if they were smokers themselves to comment on something which I held so close to my heart.
And as the movie progressed, I could see that the central character 'K' shared the same feelings, beliefs, same passion towards smoking.
Every smoker should watch this movie. I mean I was watching the movie around 5 in the morning because I wasn't getting any sleep, and all the fear I started viewing the cigarettes I attributed to the lack of my sleep. I soon switched off the movie and went to sleep. But I was woken time and again by nightmares. Things people had told me, deals I had made with people, and the danger I had been putting people in. It was all real and all very scary.
Now when I finished watching the movie for the 2nd time, my hand shivers with fear every single time I find myself reaching for a smoke, and it withdraws automatically. It is scary. I don't even know how I am going to be explaining it to people, people who know me and my affinity to smokes. How am I supposed to break the news to them that I have quit smoking, because I think it is scary all after watching a movie? It sounds all absurd.
Anyway I tried to get rid of all the bad shit I got from the movie, so I clean shaved (I think after a period of 3 months or something... was trying the Capt. jack sparrow shit...) took a bath, cleaned myself from head to toe, and now I can't get myself to go near a cigarette, because every single time I go near it, I mean fucking going near it, even thinking about it, the other thought which follows is, what is going to happen to ones I love. Am I willing to put them through shit because I want to smoke? And this line from the movie keeps repeating in my head.
"If there is soul, then man is human, if there isn't then he is an animal".
"The soul is hungry and wild, if the heart is strong enough, then you can control it otherwise you are on the darkened path of destruction".
And I think am in some kind of a nightmare of my own making.
I know the smoking population like me is far less than the non-smoking population as you. And right now am scared as shit. I am scared. Mighty fucking scared and it is not funny the least bit. The only thing which is bothering me is the people I love and I care for... Do they care and love me? Is the nightmare worth it all?
Am I going to find myself coming out from the bath tub?
Ps: The power went off last night… and it was raining… and I was bored out of my skin… and I got back with my smokes… was hoping for a hand of god act…