Friday, 18 January 2008

. . .

I am being called a liar. My intentions are being questioned. A lot is happening, some of it my fault and some of it not my fault. I have lied about somethings. But my intention was never to hurt anybody, people who know me can vouch for that. But I doubt them vouching for it is going to undo the way people think and feel. But it is imperative for me to come clean on the record, that the things I have said and done, I would not have done if the final intention is to hurt somebody. Now I know am no fucking saint, but I ain't the devil either. I am human. I feel emotions, something I vehemently detest. Because I have never let how to express them, or speak honestly about them. I ain't going to blame anybody for this handicap I suffer from. I hate having to showcase these emotions. And when I am forced to do that, I usually get mistaken, I get dragged into a vicious cycle.

Its ugly. I have said this before everybody is selfish. I know I am. So is everybody else. While somebody is nursing their broken heart, while somebody is protecting their friend, while somebody is taking decisions for their favorite daughter/niece. What am I doing? I really don't know. All I know is that, there is this huge sadness inside me, which keeps gnawing away. And no, am not waiting for lost love. No, am not. I doubt if anybody is going to understand this, given their understanding of this particular rationale is being clouded by feelings of their own, where am a bastard, little piece of shit.

If am not waiting for lost love, then what the fuck am I doing? why does it sound like am contradicting myself? I am not going to try and inject some crass humor which many people don't really get it. And am talking shit while I still wrap my head around how to explain my emotions. Its a handicap.

Let me see if I can make you understand this. You love watching the sitcom friends, and then there is spin off and then there is Joey. It is not up to the mark is it? You understand that friends the whole magic and everything all is long gone by. You still reminiscence about it. there are other fillers, there is the How I met your Mother and others. But you always go back to thinking about friends. I don't know if you can call it comfort zone. The familiarity, the history, the fun, or whatever the intangibles are. But there is this bond. It is undeniable. And you are not really rooting for it make a return, you know even it starts running again, the magic of the first time around is not gonna happen.

So what do you do? You look for something else, you mature, your tastes and interest evolve. But there is also a part of you which remains a child all along. Now I know it sounds pretty anal like thinking, but I find it really hard to sever ties with my past. I have tried every single trick in the book, but it just doesn't happen. There are few magical moments in your life, there few magical people in your life, who just remain there immortal. They become a part of your identity. But when a part of your identity goes missing. Its difficult.

No am not in love with the woman who has left me. And am not yearning for her companionship. But its her family, the love, the unconditional love. I am finding the loss of my identity, very disturbing. I can't answer who am I? what do I want? She was part of my identity, her family was part of my identity. She is no longer there. I know it. Like I said, I doubt if you guys can understand the miserable state of losing ones identity. Its not something everybody can understand that. I know a lot of people who haven't been able to get it try as hard as I have to explain them.

I always have had problems with my identity. With her I had an identity. A loving family. Not a perfect family, but a loving family. How am I supposed to explain that I have always wanted to be part of a loving family, just like everybody else. That it was my secret wish to be adopted by a loving couple. How am I supposed to act and say the things which I myself never knew how to express. I am ready to adopt anybody as my family. But they need to adopt me too. Its a mutual synergy. If there is some objection on the whole lot then it kinda ruins it all doesn't it. You can't have juicy apples if there is a small worm in one of them.

I really am not sure, if you got what I was intending on telling. But I pray to god that you do. But even if don't, try not to say things which brings my integrity, honesty, and intentions under question. They were pure. They still are. There are no agendas. If I have done something which has hurt, I ask for forgiveness the same way, a petulant child will after committing a bungle.


Stranger in a strange land said...

1. Greetings !
2. Damn it, watch californication!
3. I understand. Not entirely, but I get the drift of what you're saying.

Danie said...

A person can only grow when they leave their comfort zone. Good news for you...sounds like you're growing.

Aside from that...I have to admit, I got sucked into Californication too. I'd never admit it on my own blog though, so there you go.