The Year Gone Bye...

The year is coming down to an end. Its been a mixed year. Have had the most interesting turn of events this year, but at the same time I haven moved an inch since last year.

Start of the year: Starting back from exactly a year back from now. Dumped. Started fishing for fishes in the pond.

New year 2007: Probably the first time all the boys were there together. Adhy was with Edna, Gopal with hehehehe... Charan was single as usual (but congratulations boy, you have no gloriously joined the Men's club... my Boy got lucky with a firang.).

Broke up with my date of new years after 2 weeks. (Reasons undisclosed. But for the curious want to know everything people. I was a jerk and a bastard.)

3rd week of Jan: Start a new relationship with my ex's brother's crush. But not before I cheat on her with one of people I had a crush long arse time back. The first time I did not feel bad after cheating on a woman. What can I say? I was getting bastardized.

Feb: being the shortest month, I don't really remember much of it.

March: Was getting really fucked around. Denial, Anger phase of grief.

April: Got dumped by a 19 yr old, (for those who want to know why? well according to her, I did not have my priorities right.) Felt like ice cold water being splashed on my body on a cold Jan night when I plan to sleep in commando style.

May: Realize one of best friends was back to doing things which he does best. Stabbing people in the back. Spoke about it. Gave another chance we spoke about it a bit. But things never been the same. Write my Degree Stopping Paper. AGAIN. by this time I am dallying with this girl in B lore. Move to B lore, start work in the new company. Things don't feel right from the very start in the new company. Break up with the girl. I was a bastard again. But I was starting to get real bad.

June: My birthday. Work for 16 hours. Lose my phone. Get drunk till 5 in the morning. Make an ISD call, cry, and surprise surprise! sink into the bath tub at 0430hrs in the morning, still drinking. Rest of the month is uneventful.

July: Get introduced to How I met your Mother!. Make whole load of friends. Andy, Lavina, Francis, Maria. These are the people I did not fuck around with in the month of July. Met a lot of people. Had a lot of one night stands. Was hoping one of them would culminate into a relationship filling up this void in me. But in the morning when am going back home, I think " who the fuck am I kidding?"

August: Screw with a friend's friend who happens to be another guys girlfriend. Feel awfully bad. But in my defense I did think there was something between us. Though its a different issue after the sex it was not there any longer. Well there was Julie, Carolina, Stephanie, Lisa, Anjali, Monica, Sneha, the others I don't remember their names. I realized that the company I was working for was running a scam. So I quit. Start at home thinking about what I really wanted to do. Got a window. Jumped in.

September: Started work in the new company. Finally for a brief moment felt that life was falling back into place. Was finally feeling happy.

October: Well. This was when somebody said " surprise me!!!". Felt like a jackass. An idiot. Still feel like one.

November: When my Bi-polar starting kicking in. Basically felt like a woman having periods. Yes ladies I understand your pain. But do me a favor don't talk about it.

December: Am still stuck at the depression, acceptance phase. Been binge drinking like there is no tomorrow. Loving every bit of it. Have forgotten the # of times I have had to throw up the booze I have drank. Haven't yet decided if I want to spend my new years alone or go out!!!

But hopefully things should brighten up this new year. I have had an eventful year. It had all the works.Sex, Booze, Love, Hate, Betrayal, the whole Shakespeare spectrum of emotions. I started off this year as a nice guy. Turned into a bastard. Turning back into a nice guy.

Though I would like to apologize to all the people I have wronged this year. I would never had done something like that ever, and I promise the things I did to you I will not do it anybody else.

I would like to thank all the people who dumped me. I thank you for opening my eyes and letting me know that i was such a wimp.

I would like to thank my mother and father. My mother for being such lovely pain in the ass who managed to save my ass when I was in trouble. And well father. Lets not talk about him (different issue haven't spoken to him in over a year.)

i would like to mention that, I still fucking hate my brother. ( If you are reading this rajkumarji, I want you to know that, You are an asshole. You can cry all you want, but the day you get over the line am going to whoop your ass so bad, forget about ever opening your eyes again, and listen your father ain't going to come and save your ass, he is scared of me. Capiche? So watch your step bitch, cos if you don't you going to trip over to your grave!!! )

To the person am seeing right now. I appreciate your patience. I really do. I apologize for being nasty and mean. But all those things I said, at some level are true. Though they are not so exaggerated as I put them. And I appreciate it, if after new years I would like to get some time on my own. Thanks.

And before I forget. Happy new year.

5 stages of grief

Grief is a somewhat complicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. In my case its the loss through death and separation.

There are five stages of grief. And I think I have gotten stuck at one of the stages and am not able to complete the whole grieving thing. So I haven't been able to heal myself completely.They say that a person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time or one after another especially not me. I know it is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, I have to go at my own pace, and I have been going forward and backward for a really long time now, though they its all part of the process, am beginning to feel incapacitated. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"that is not what happened!!!", looking for the things in the past in familiar places, or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. Thats what I did. I just went about life as if nothing happened. Nothing really happened. Everything was rosy, till I reached the next stage.

2-Anger-"How could they do something like this?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with them, blaming them for leaving, sheer blinding white fury, the kinds which threatens ones sanity. Thanks to god, I no longer am angry.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the whoever or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. Well I did this about till yesterday. Now am done, I know if they come back from the dead they not going to be the same, its something like dream-catcher or the astronaut from astronauts wife. And I don't want that.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. This results in day long drinking binges, sometimes entire weeks. Possible explanation for me putting on so much of weight. Well I guess am still in this stage.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. I know I have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a something. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not my fault (I still feel it is, somewhere deep down inside, and I don't know how to forgive myself), they didn't leave me on purpose (maybe they did).

Am still swinging like a pendulum on crack between Bargaining, Depression and Resignation. I know the last one has to be acceptance, but I really can't help it. I know lot of people tell that time will heal everything, or that talk to somebody and you will feel lighter. Not in my case. Am trying hard to accept things as they are. I have had shit in my life, and I try to protect myself from the rest of it. Am sorry for whom I have been acting like a prick off-late. But then again I can talk to you guys and apologize about all that I have done and said. But I just got shit of my own.

I will see you on the other side of this tunnel.


ps: there is just going to be one more post this year, the highlights of one of the most eventful years of my life.

Birthdays and Baby-Making

Have you noticed that there are bunch of times when you are just flooded with birthdays of people you know in the year. The most prominent ones are in the Nov-Dec period, last week 2 weeks of November and first week of Dec, and a similar occurrence in the last week of may and first 2 weeks of June. Now am just theorizing here, humor me if you will, possible theories:

1. Zodiac sign

2. Social Ladder

3.Valentine babies


1. Zodiac sign: well we all know that zodiac sign says about you being compatible and not with certain zodiacs but then there are always aberrations which more or less disprove this theory because of the sheer #s.

2. Social Ladder: now this is just a theory, the people whose birthday is in the rush periods, are more social ones and are prone to have traveled a lot more and know a lot more people and hence put themselves on the upper rungs of the social ladder.

3. Valentine babies: Birthdays are more or less based on the human behavior, so the ones born in the Nov-Dec are the ones whose parents were more pron to coochie coo during the onset of spring, and the ones to be born during the may-jun were the ones during the onset of winter.

Now why onset of spring and winter?

Well people who coochie cooed in the winter(?) period were the ones who are more the tropical kind of people, where the cold is mild at the same time it is still warm and fuzzy at home.

People who coochie cooed in the spring time were the ones who were more pron to harsh and extreme weather changes around the year. And spring time is the time when the weather is perfect for them to get it on without trying to shield themselves from the sun or the winter.

I think. But still a very plausible theory.

Review: Johnny Gaddar

Yes. I am well aware that I am late by miles and months since the movie released. And I am more than late on my knee-jerk reflexes owing to the constant drunken stupor, but I have to say this, Johnny Gaddar is by far the best movie to have come out of the Indian Movie-Making Machine this year. And is definitely one of the few movies which I can laud which were made in the last 5 years.

True there was Chak-De, Om Shanti Om et al. But baby when you start watching Johnny G. and the way the black and white images give way to the introduction, you know you are in for a treat. Yes, the movie is a big ass inspiration from the James Hardley Chase genre if I can label the whole crossing, double-crossing, zebra crossing bit. The way the each of the characters been introduced in the movie is kind of reminiscent of Guy-Ritchie way of doing things, but what the hell, you are too stunned by the stylised approach of film making. There are ample edge of the seat moments, and trust me am not the one to use cliche phrases, they literally do make you jump from your bed/seat wherever you are seated and ask yourself " FUCK!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! ". The newcomer Neil Nitin Mukesh is good in bits and Pieces, Rimi Sen is the quintessential irritating woman you just want to strangle her so that after one last scream you don't get to see her or hear her ever again.

The brilliant catch points for this movie and why it should definitely be must on every movie buff's list is:

1. The screen play
2. Vinay Pathak
3. Whoever played the role of shardul (he is the same guy who was the villain in Sarkar, you know the guy who gets thrown off into the water in the same scene in which Abhishek Bachchan looks decent.)
4. The story

The director must be given his due credit for making a mind-blowing/Dhaasuu/ultimate Movie. This movie Full Money Back. Whatever was lacking in Ek Hasina Thi, or the way the ending was executed wasn't something I liked, I mean yes that movie was brilliant, but doesn't deserve to be in my collection you know. I can happily lend it to some one and gayly forget about it too. But not with Johnny G.

Verdict: Fucking AWESOME. Super Fucking A.

ps: don't think there are movies which can match this ranking or this ranking system.

ps: Rating system :

• Fucking Awesome. Super Fucking A - Kill yourself if you don't want to watch this movie, cos you suck. (Ex: Johnny Gaddar)
  
• Awesome. Awesome. - You can contemplate on killing yourself but if you don't also its ok. But you should still feel miserable for not watching this movie. (Ex: Om Shanti Om)
  
• One Night Stand - its ok, time pass. No feelings. Decent. Fun. But spending a lifetime with it, I don't think so. (Ex: Good Luck Chuck)
• Focking Orrible - Its the one where you walk out of the theatres midway cos its Focking Orrible also because it makes you talk like a retarded cockney Brit. (Ex: Elections)
• Focking Focking Orrible - You can't get worse than this. Self indulgent pieces of shit, crafted to look like funny or ugly or scary shit. Kill yourself for watching such kind of a movie and choke yourself to death on your own piss and shit. (Ex: Hostel)
  

To do or not to do? But what the fuck to do???

So i looked around and I found out that there is kick boxing and Rugby that I can try my hands on during weekends when am here in Bangalore. But what to do is what am thinking about? I mean rugby would be fun. Running around, a chance to get something broken in my body. With kick boxing I get to do what I have been thinking about doing for well over a year. But then again I will be inside confined space not a big of it. The same reason why I don't go to the gym more than twice. Though its a different issue the guy never lets me in again because am cribbing so much. But yeah the open spaces will be nice. Think me will go the rugby way. I just need trainers and shorts. I think I have both of them lying somewhere. Lets see if am sober enough to remember this on saturday evening and go there. Shoudl be fun if I do go there.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terrible weekend. First I lose the keys to my apartment and then I have to jump from my neighbors balcony onto mine and then do a brilliant Thomas crown shit. This was on Saturday. On Sunday I forget a whole pack of smokes and a box matches while having coffee, that meant I couldn't have my customary morning smoke and coke, and then I get bullied by my narcissistic room-mates and their girl-friends, and then today morning I get mighty irritated by the jarring stupid ring-tone I have set at high volume and am already at nerves end, and its not even 10 in the morning yet. Focking Orrible....

And the Memory remains...

your image fleets across my mind,
i hold back these tears with a timid
whimper,
still hear your whispers,
calling out my name,
we still play the kissing game,
it really is a shame,
it is...

With the world still awash,
and the waves still crash,
the gifts maybe in the trash,
I know i was rash,
but you broke everything with that dash
to the door,
left lurching me alone on the moor,

Still manage a laugh,
looking at the irony of it all,
try to hide the blood in my cough,
it was always tough,
still smile when you call,

listen to stupid songs on the radio,
wear the broken watch you gave,
carry the broken heart I have,
sing some strange tune Oh Oh O...

You said I could write,
you were right,
about life being hard and being strong,
never knew you would wrong
by banging the king kong,

(hehehehe... i think this line is damn funny... hahahahahaha... lol)

And now I have let it all go,
in one night fueled with booze and tears,
and never looked back since then,
the pain still remains and so will the memory,
at the back of my head,
buried along with me,
6 feet under.

Yes, I suck,
And am pretty good at it,and am quite proud of it.

Almost Lovers

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no


I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do...

They always do...

ps: Keep a keen on this artist called a fine frenzy. The next best thing after cranberries and Dido.

Not my day

Its freezing cold outside, with no trace of the sun, I am like a pseudo Superman, I get my cheerfulness from the sun. On top of that was tried to be woken up by a high pitched voice exuberant voice, than had to wait for 10 whole mins to catch an auto, who completely ignored my fake assed attempts at making small talk since somebody wasn't talking or messaging me back. And then when I decided to watch a movie to raise my spirits a million people ignore the Do not fucking disturb sign (yes ok, YOU did not, but others did), and now am left with no enthu left in my spirit, and all my attempts to laugh away this gloominess by making mean statements is met with justification, when all i need is some verbal sparring.

Lets hope it doesn't rain now. Fucking depressing shit then.

Think I may be Egyptian after all. You know Ra instead of Osiris. Somethings you never know.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you really wonder what others are running through their heads. Sometimes you wish you could comprehend their way of thinking. Sometimes, you wish people could read our mind, while other times you are glad they can't. Sometimes you think things that make sense and seem logical, yet they seem so childish and self-centered. Sometimes you wish things didn't turn out the way they did, but you don't know how things would be different otherwise. Sometimes you wish things would go your way, but still you know that it's not very fair. Sometimes you wish that people never change, and yet sometimes you wish they do. Sometimes you wish that people are just the way you see them - in thoughts, in speech, in actions. However, that isn't always so. Sometimes you wish you were more eloquent with words, so that you wouldn't keep saying the wrong things that people would mistaken their meanings. Sometimes you wish you were all alone in the world, so that no one would hurt you and you would also be able to hurt no one. But still, sometimes you wish you were not all alone, as it sometimes feels. Sometimes you wish that your world would be perfect, yet you know that hardship builds friendships and character. Sometimes you wish that you knew everyone in the world personally, and sometimes you just want to keep to yourself. Sometimes you wish that that someone is always there, yet you know that it would not be very considerate of you. Sometimes you wish you can just stop bothering and caring about the world, and yet sometimes you wish you had the ability to care about everything and everyone at the same time. Sometimes you wish that people would interact harmoniously and happily with each other, and sometimes you wish they would include you too. Sometimes you seem to stand at the top of the world with the people you love, and sometimes you feel left behind in their shadowed trails. Sometimes you know and understand that people need you, but that doesn't stop you from wondering and agreeing that someone better could just take your place - in terms of relationships. Sometimes you know that you matter, and sometimes you really don't think you actually do. Many a times you're contented with being just yourself, knowing how fortunate just the way you are - holding both sides of a coin in your hands. Yet, when one side meets the other, it sometimes just seems that everything falls out of balance. Sometimes you wonder why is it that people don't give when all they seem to do is take from you. Sometimes you wish that you knew the future, yet perhaps you're thinking that it's better that you cannot. Many a times you know that all that matters is what people mean to you, although you can't stop wishing that you knew what you mean to them to. Sometimes it's not the words that really conveys the spirit, sometimes it's just the attitude that you observe when people interact. Sometimes you wonder what would happen if the world knew what you're thinking, sometimes you wonder what the world is thinking. Sometimes you wonder what people say and type about you when you are not there, sometimes you wish you had never known.

Sometimes you can just close your eyes and put yourself in the warmth embrace of another, yet when you do, you wonder why the surrounding air is so chilly. Sometimes you wish you could stop feeling like such a hypocrite, and sometimes you just wish the tears would stop. Sometimes you just want to tell everything to someone, and yet you worry about how he/she would think of you after you did. Sometimes you wish people would stop judging other people and also themselves. Sometimes everything just seems so futile, and that history seems to be repeating itself. Sometimes you just wish that you had a shell that you can withdraw into, and sometimes you wonder that the people who knock, what are they really thinking about. Sometimes it seems so unfair and childish to be thinking certain things - as others point out to you. But in the end, you realize that what you were worrying about had come true. Sometimes you really wonder if some people just never learn, yet you also understand that they are only human. Sometimes you see others walking down a path that hurts you and would hurt the other parties in time, as it has happened. Yet you also know that you cannot dictate that other people feel and how they behave. Sometimes you can just be contented with what you have, and sometimes you just wish that the world and its people belonged to you - so they can stop hurting you and also themselves. Sometimes, you just know that your thinkings are ridiculous and childish, and sometimes you wish you can stop thinking and wishing so many things.

Sometimes you think its 'funny' how some people just never learn, yet you wonder that maybe they didn't even care. Sometimes you wish the world would know what you're on about, yet sometimes you don't even know what you yourself are thinking.

Francium: Symbol Fr and Atomic # 87

Am feeling unstable right now. Mentally. Am more or less on a self-destruct mode, with the only thing holding me straight is my work. This is the most unstable I have ever felt. Feel like francium, think am going to decay into something I will never be able to recognize or bring it back to its original self. For the first time I find myself lost among my friends, partially because there ain't nobody at the moment, and the other being I cant enunciate what am going through right now.

Things which I realized...

Things which I realized drunk out of my head 0430 hrs in the morning.

1. I ask a lot of questions, and I brain fuck myself.
2. I should never be left alone for prolonged periods of time.
3. I do not like to be emotionally overwhelmed. I do not think that me crying is empowering me in any way, I feel weak and I hate to do that. But fortunately for me, am back to crying alone. Nobody knows when and how hard I cry.
4. I don't like to answer questions I don't want to answer.
5. It doesn't take much for me to get angry and go on a self destruct mode, all you gotta do is be a jerk and not bother listening to the things am saying and to the things am not saying. You turn myopic with me and you are killing me.
6. I feel much better when I am done washing out the wimpy-ness out of my body without anybody noticing the amount of it I got inside me.
7. Am not as strong as I thought I was.
8. I need help.
9. Serious major Help.