Grief is a somewhat complicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. In my case its the loss through death and separation.
There are five stages of grief. And I think I have gotten stuck at one of the stages and am not able to complete the whole grieving thing. So I haven't been able to heal myself completely.They say that a person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time or one after another especially not me. I know it is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, I have to go at my own pace, and I have been going forward and backward for a really long time now, though they its all part of the process, am beginning to feel incapacitated. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"that is not what happened!!!", looking for the things in the past in familiar places, or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. Thats what I did. I just went about life as if nothing happened. Nothing really happened. Everything was rosy, till I reached the next stage.
2-Anger-"How could they do something like this?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with them, blaming them for leaving, sheer blinding white fury, the kinds which threatens ones sanity. Thanks to god, I no longer am angry.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the whoever or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. Well I did this about till yesterday. Now am done, I know if they come back from the dead they not going to be the same, its something like dream-catcher or the astronaut from astronauts wife. And I don't want that.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. This results in day long drinking binges, sometimes entire weeks. Possible explanation for me putting on so much of weight. Well I guess am still in this stage.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. I know I have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a something. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not my fault (I still feel it is, somewhere deep down inside, and I don't know how to forgive myself), they didn't leave me on purpose (maybe they did).
Am still swinging like a pendulum on crack between Bargaining, Depression and Resignation. I know the last one has to be acceptance, but I really can't help it. I know lot of people tell that time will heal everything, or that talk to somebody and you will feel lighter. Not in my case. Am trying hard to accept things as they are. I have had shit in my life, and I try to protect myself from the rest of it. Am sorry for whom I have been acting like a prick off-late. But then again I can talk to you guys and apologize about all that I have done and said. But I just got shit of my own.
I will see you on the other side of this tunnel.
ps: there is just going to be one more post this year, the highlights of one of the most eventful years of my life.