* My tears cure cancer. Too bad I don't cry.
* I do not sleep. I wait.
* I am currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for my left and right legs.
* My chief export is pain.
* I define love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because I love you.
*Am not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like me.
* If you can see me, I can see you. If you can’t see me you may be only seconds away from death.
*There are no disabled people. Only people who have met me.
* I can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures I allow to live.
* In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by me, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
* I invented cancer because I was tired of killing people
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects I could use to kill you, including the room itself.
* I am the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* When I go to donate blood, I decline the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
* I has two speeds: walk and kill.
* When I jump into a body of water, I don’t get wet. The water gets me instead.
* I can divide by zero.
* I can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
* When I run with scissors, other people get hurt.
* When a tsunami happens, it’s because I have been swimming laps in the ocean.
* I poop light sabers.
* I clip my toenails with a chain saw. But I holds it backwards.
*Why did the chicken cross the road? Because I threw it.
* My belly button is actually a power outlet.
* Camels have a hump because I needed a place to store my kills.
* I have a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
*On my birthday, I blow out my candles by blinking.
*Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with me.
* I don’t wash my clothes, I disembowel them.
* Every year on my birthday, I randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
* It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until I decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
* Hockey players, football players, soldiers, and yes women, never had to wear pads before I was born
* A meteor did not destroy dinosaurs, My roundhouse kick did.
* I can make a woman climax by saying “booya”
* I lost my virginity before my dad did.
* According to Newton’s laws of physics, I can Roundhouse kick you in the face yesterday.
* I once shot a Pakistani plane by pointing at it and yelling “BANG!”
* I sold my soul to the devil for my rugged good looks and unparralleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction I roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took my soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should’ve saw that coming. We now party every saturday night.
* My farts are irresistable to women. This is now canned and know as Axe Body Spray
* The last person to survive a roundhouse kick by me was michael jackson. Then he turned white
* When I get cold, my nipples really do cut glass. No…..really.