Everybody who has a father (who has been present thru their formative years), knows his importance in shaping his/her perspective on everything. Well i wouldn know what it is to have a father who tells you what is right or wrong. Well i do have a father but i guess somethings look and sound good better on paper than in reality, more like our cricket team.
My first recollections of me and my father were those rides on his lamby scooter which is more or less now a caricature of its past glory days. But those are like the silver linings in the dark clouds which come with the storm and shatters every window in its wake cause of its intensity.
Well the storm did arrive, and boy was it violent. Its funny to think how people can be stupid enough to associate certain happenings with certain people, and my dad did jus that, he associated his not gettin into the IIMs back then was because of me, and soon this feeling was replaced by physical beatings. And he put me through such physical excersises that my hands used to tremble and my legs were numb, and i used to climb into bed with the taste of salt on my lips.
And the circle continued till my younger brother was born and all that punishments channeled into affection to the younger one. And call it sibling rivalry i hated the fact that my father was everything to him when i yearned for his very approval, i used to get into trouble everytime just to get some kinda response from him. And there started my journey to self destruction.
But now looking back on all those years now, i feel hatred for screwing me up and making me this stone hearted bastard i am, my complete lack in the concept of a happy family, but on the other hand i have respect for him for his desire to study and do something anything. But then again it is overshadowed by his complete negiligence towards his family, i mean sure he wasn't obligated to do shit for his wife or his kids but then he doesn have to pretend to give a shit either. Anyway now since i have grown and now am working and can live off my salary, there is still a part of me which yearns to hear him say, " son i love you" or just something from his side which shows he doesn think that i was the reason why he couldn't chase his dreams. Thats probably the only regret am gonna have, not tell my father that i love him, inspite of all the shit he put me through, i still admire him as a man. But somethings just don come out from your vocal chords liek ever...