Thursday, 28 December 2006

Disclaimer: I do not intend to make this book resemble any other book be it catcher in the rye or naked or any other book, i want to write this because i want to write but it will mostly will have no time line no structure it will be just a bunch of incidents which changed me which gave me new perspective on things, people who came into my life who left who stayed and the mark they left on me.

People generally begin by talking about their childhood and stuff, but my childhood is all in a bunch of haze, like a walk one takes early in the morning on the side walk, with the fog clearing up with each passing step but only till there, and i intend to do that, keep walkin keep looking and come across pebbles which i kick, stumble upon them fall down get scrapped but like any guy who knows what it takes to make it to the top is just the simle fact to pick yourself up wheever you stumble or get your knee scrapped, its all about getting back on your two feet and walking, though some people know where this walk will lead them to, and others like me jus walk cos we like to walk.... So now when i sit down to write this i may not tell my story from day one and go on like some making of a movie, it will be what i remember the most, so it saves up a lot of shit from your end not to read.

CHAPTER : 1 ( Childhood )

Before i launch forth into the many leelas i pulled across as a kid lemme give you a low down on my parents (?). I am told that my mum and dad got love married but some shit happened and i was always least bothered about all that as long i had something to do which i loved. Dad was in the army and so we guys kept shuttling around from one place to another every 3 yrs. And one of the first places i recall was a place called uri, its in Jammu, anyway i don remmebre seeing the sun too much round there, all i remember was Shammi kapoors jungli had released and i used to go crazy whenever the title song used to come on the tv in the officers mess. And we had a horse stable where people used to go horse riding and i did try it but i found the whole thing bit of a bore, i preferred to go crazy over “Yahoooo”, i remmeber one day when i had overslept and mom was nowhere to be found, i was still not old enough to go attend natures call alone without any escort, cos i needed somebody to open up my zip and hold it out and then zip it back (LOL) anyway so i wake up late and find my mum missing and i gotta go bad... and i i recall thats the first time i had peed in my pants, well it def was not the last, and i think i old enough to realise that i had fucked it up somewhere do i tried taking the quilt and try to soak up the mess, anyway my pants are around my ankle and i couldn't get them off and i was well a mess, suddenly mom walks in trying to check up on me and you know things are alrite. Well this is one funny story which mom won recollect but she has a whole load of them.

Mom's favorite story about me to her friends has got to be the one with me having trouble shitting, well this how the myth goes... when i was born i shat the very moment, (tells you a lot doesn it) anyway i shit and i refuse to do that again, though i know people visiting the kid and the mom generally walk in to inquire about the kid and the mom and you know yadda yadda yadda, but in my case am told that the first Q ppl used to ask was “ did he shit today?” and mom will say the obvious “NO” anyway the doctors got a bit concerned and said they gotta enema or something like that so that i shit, and i think i shat rite then and there, and the whole process of shitting every 5 days or something continued till my final days in hostel. There was running joke in hostel, i used to ask them to humor and answer “ If i ever get rich and famous and tv crew comes to interview them on my life what will they say?” and they always used to say “ i ll tell them how i used to get reminded of thursdays... (wink...wink) “. And it still amazes them how i managed to follow this ritual without fail. Well what can i say, some mysteries are best left unsolved.

I don't remember many of the early stories, but my mum does a pretty good job at making me feel there are a million stories like these, and nothing gets her going like when she knows she has lost an argument with me, which i thanks to the many steve martini's and john grishams i out maneover my mum and win the argument ( like always ). She starts like how i had difficulty in talking and how people used to call the flour boy ( the translation is a pain, the original one is actually maida boy, since i was supposedly fair and with no ex-pression), and since me ma and my grandma went to temples and churches and everything else you see in 70's hindi movie. So i still take all this with a pinch of salt, cos seriously it sounds pretty lame when you have heard it like a million times already, and everytime the story steers a wee bit on the wild side esp when it comes to the part where they were praying and stuff.

It is always suprising aint it, when you get to hear the story again and again and each time it changes just a wee bit nothing much from the core skeleton, but just minute details here and there so that your interest is still maintained ( ok apart from the fact that when people involuntarily begin to praise you, you don want the focus to be shifted ), it is kinda like making aloo ki sabzi, i mean everytime you know how it tastes, you even like it but everytime you eat it, the taste always seems to be different you get what am saying, its the same thing when you hear a story from my mum.

What is it with mothers and living in the past and ( pardon me if i flick a few lines from DBC piere ), they kinda use it like a knife on your back, and give it a turn everytime they kinda compare stock prices from that time and now, it churns your gulit feelings so bad you kinda wanna throw up. But i guess mothers are best known for this. Anyway moving on....

Chapter 2: J Jinx

After jammu dad got posted to jalandhar, yea dad i believe had some kinda jinx with the letter J, except few postings he got posted to almost every possible station with the letter J, so in jalandhar was where i got a my cycle, the infamously famous BSA champ, god knows how many times i would have landed on my sweet tush, while trying to master them. And i think this is where i developed lot of things, emotionally mentally and ( i hate to write this part sexually).
Emotionally and physically i came to realise what would be in store for me in the next few years, i got beaten up with a belt a ladle, made to do all sorts of body postures which will make a grown up man whimper back to mommy's womb, but yea i did all that and would have done a lot more cos i din want nobody to know that they can get thru to me, i used to used as a pawn a fighting pawn by both mom and dad, mom used to use me as a sheild whenever there was a incident of domestic violence, and damn i did make a good punching bag, kinda reminds me vadivelu ( a tamil comic who makes getting beaten up the most hilarious thing to do tho i still don share his sentiments.)

Anyway i joined school and i remember my first day at school and all these kids were crying and stuff and i was thinking why the hell are these kids crying, bloody losers... anyway the first day at school was a disaster cos i really din have any idea wat the hell was going on, you kno its more like you are lost in this entirely new city and you have no idea what you are doing there, you trying to look for a map which says you are here, but how the hell is that gonna help anything anyway, and i wanted to go pee real bad and i din kno wat the hell to do, so wat does a i don remember how young the kid was do, he pees in his pants, boy i gotta tell you nothing beats the feeling when you give your bladder the permission to do wat its supposed to or without even knowing who gandhi was allow your bowels to move freely... i must tell you it is liberating, the kind of enlightment sadhus and all quacks wanna acheieve the kinda contentment buddha received, ( hmm maybe he did realise it the same way i did... jus maybe...hehehe) and this happened for couple of days till i taught myself how to control my bladder and bowel's urges till i go back now, and i can proudly say that i have potty trained myself so well that if you leave me stranded in the sahara desert i can manage without no water or tissues you get wat am saying...hehehe.

I gotta say this is where i was introduced to my first addiction TV and i came to realise the addiction of others. Boy TV was all new to me that time and i watched it like one of those spell hit kid in harry potter, and i was too young to appreciate Baywatch that time ( being a guy i still hate to admit, i still don get it) but not to young to miss enjoying vikram and vetal. Though i don recollect ever listening to radio at that time i will agree that video killed the radio star whoever that was, I mean TV was way better than listening and watching 2 grownup's fight it out, with TV you get to increase and decrease the volume and here is the best thing you can change channels. I think i now understand my need to be constantly within the reach of the remote whenever there is a TV around.

I remember clearly the first time i ever lied, well i did not intend to, i was just playing around i mean my dad has asked me if the jeep had come to pick him up for office in the evening, and i said playfully no, you know like the way kids say no when its actually yes, i thought it was cute and my dad...hmm well he didn't think so and made sure i saw his point of view, well his point of view was damn clear when you have birds tweetring around your head with couple of planets thrown in, kinda like the loony toons. And i always was lost in my own sweet world being He-man or Superman, or some man for that matter. I used to play commando-commando, well being a son of an army officer its nto hard to imagine ones fascination with war and stories of bravery and courage and added to the fact that we had TV with every sunday playing Mahabharat and Ramayana, with those classy bow and arrows, which if you fire one multiplies into god knows how many but just enough to kill every goddamn enemy coming your way, it was bloody awesome, am getting all excited just thinking about those bow and arrows.

Anyway by this time i had started my journey of gaining knowledge of all sorts of diseases and school names, now now don mistake i wasn't no geek pouring over medical books waiting for my next big breakthru, i was jus a sick kid, yea pun intended, i had managed to contract 8 diseases in a matter of 6 months ranging from measles to jaundice, my mother takes pride in reeling out the names of the diseases as if she was taking part in a spelling bee contest. It used to be fun though, i mean laze around all day, make my bed a trampoline. Ah those were the glory days.
i think 3rd grade was the first time i got kicked in the balls cos i tried to hard to be part of a group, and i started fantasizing about girls... hehehe...yup i started way young. Oh btw when i joined my 3rd school the ppl down at the school figured that i was just too damn smart for 2nd grade so they double promoted me to 3rd grade straight from 1st grade... i mean tell me honestly who goes to 2nd grade anyway, simple 2nd graders and because of this very same brilliance i have managed to stay alive and did not attend 2nd grade. Dad got posted to the second J in the list i know, Jorhat in assam


nisha said...

i love it!!! laughed so much!! i love the language u have used..but lots to edit.. and tons of spellin mistakes!

Dexgle said...